13 May, 2010

The Plan (as I like to call it)

I made it back. Thanks for being patient with me.

Here is the big idea I was speaking about in my last post. Now that I am not working, I have a bit of time on my hands. I figure I will take that time to do something productive, something that will help the world, shape it into a better place, make it a little nicer for the next group coming in. I have been working on this plan for a while now and it is far from finished I am going to train an entire military of animals and with it, take over small parts of the world. I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but that is why I am starting small.

I first got this idea when Tillikum (Tilly to his friends) grabbed his trainer and kind of killed her in Orlando. I thought to myself, this is a whale I could get along with. -- Backing up a little, I might have to tell you how I feel about dolphin for this to make sense. I hate Dolphins. You might be saying "How can you hate Dolphins, they are so cute and smile all the time and happy and friendly..." And that right there, is the reason. NOTHING is that happy all the time. Those suckers are planning something. They are trying to lull us into a false sense of security by saving the odd surfer from a shark bite, or swimming along in front of sail boats. That is all a ploy to get us to trust them. Then they are going to Nuke us. (What, you say they are so smart, Nuclear Physics is beyond them?) Face it, dolphins are just plain creepy*. I don't care what Hayden Panettiere says.

I refuse to trust something that smiles all the time. Like a car salesman, or the mobile phone guy, or Sarah Palin,  it is not going to happen. Polar Bears are cute and fuzzy, they attack people that walk up to them, as do Pandas. Even the cuddly Koala will pee on you if you get too close. I can respect that, but super-happy, smiley-face dolphin are ALWAYS little helpers, always friendly. Which is why I was intrigued when Tilly went off, he also has a record of kicking ass and taking names, which means He is the perfect whale for the job of training my new Navy. A Navy composed of Killer Whales!

The Navy's initial job was to keep the Dolphin in check. Killer Whales are perfect for this role. They eat fish and mammals, including sharks, manta rays and bigger whales. They already have a cool paint job, and they have very tight organizational structures, they live and work in Squads (call them Pods) and can work together to problem solve and attain greater goals. (Hell, the G-8 can't even do that.) They were going to patrol the coast and keep the dolphins from acting too cute and gaining support for their cause. As a side job, they will be tasked with finding the dolphin's underwater WMDs and taking them out of action. Do dolphin have WMDs? There do if I read it on the internet. And as I am writing this and posting it on the internet, it must be true. Same reason we went to Iraq.

That WAS  going to be their job, but now that the Japanese have pushed through an end to the ban on commercial whaling, their mission has changed. They are now tasked with forming a joint operation with the brave men and women of Greenpeace and the Sea Shepherd boat that got rammed in January. They are going to stage an attack on the whaling vessels. They will be assisted by my newly formed Marine Corps .

Packs of Hyena! Riding in on the backs of my Killer Whale Navy. They can be inserted into any situation and quickly sort out any troubles on land. They will be unstoppable! As long as no one on the boat has guns, and as long as they don't fall off the back of the whales, and as long as the whales don't eat them. So there are a few details to work out.

I am still on the lookout for an Army to hold the positions that we take over, but I am at a loss as to who/what I should use.  I read an article about a woman that was killed by a Giraffe today, perhaps that is the way to go.

That is what I am doing to help change the world. I like to think of it as a noble cause. Something that will make the world a better place for the children. Just not dolphin children.

*If you don't think dolphins are just wrong, here is Jennifer Garner's account of being molested by one. You would go to jail for this. Dolphins, not so much.

Notes: Frank Frazetta died the other day, I found the killer whale image above on the 'Unofficial website' and borrowed it for here. He really was a great artist even if you aren't into Sci-Fi Fanboy art. Self taught, no formal schooling. 
I am also aware that the above makes me sound a bit insane as I am planning on training a navy of whales to take over the world. I am getting closer to finding a real job. That should cut my insane rants down a little. Then what will I talk about?  

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