17 February, 2010

Just a theory

I had a novel idea this morning -- in the shower. Where all the good ideas start. How much more interesting would the world be if we couldn't use guns to kill animals. And by animals, I mean the kind that have 4 legs or non-opposable thumbs or flippers or wings. We still need the guns to shoot two legged animals. I am not trying to start a gun control fight. Without guns to shoot people, Baltimore wouldn't have a city pass-time. (it is legal to shoot people there) Wars would be no fun at all if we didn't have bigger and better guns than the other side.People might stop having them.

I am talking about not being able to use guns to shoot animals. The impact in the wider world wouldn't be as serious as you might think. We really don't kill anything with guns anymore. Cows? We whack them in the head with a fiberglass rod. Just need to get them to hold their heads still while they are in the chute. Chickens? They are just scooped up and fed through the Pie Machine. I saw Chicken Run, I am sure that is how it works. That leaves us with Pigs. Pigs are processed ...well. I have no idea how pigs are dispatched. Wait. I looked it up on the interwebs*. Pigs walk under a unicorn and are magically turned into delicious Bacon, Ham, Sausages, etc. The unicorn is where they get the wonderful, smokey flavor.

So the only things we kill with guns that we might actually eat are Deer, Birds, and Whales. Then there are the ones that we aren't supposed to kill but still do; Wolves, Elephants, Rhino, Gorillas, etc.
Starting at the top:
  • Deer. I would venture that more deer are killed by cars than guns. We should just hunt them with cars. If you have driven down I270 in the fall you know what I am talking about. Looks like a slaughter house. Ugh
  • Birds. I don't see the point of shooting something that is the size of your fist that is 80% feathers. 
  • Whales. I am anti-whaling on the whole, but shooting something that lives under water when it comes up to take a breath is about as sporting as me running up and punching you in the face, mid poo.
  • Wolves. Americans just spent a shed-load of cash to get wolves back into the wilds of Idaho. Everyone rejoiced. Yay! Then they had babies. Now there are more then 100 of them. So Idaho passed a new law that you can shoot them. Huh? We just put them in? Don't try to tell me they eat cows, they eat deer.
  • Elephants. Do they do anything to make people angry? They just eat and walk and poop. It isn't their fault they have tusks. Not like they dig up your garden. 
  • Rhino. Same as the elephants. One long pointy thing, made out of hair and people want to chop it off and eat it? ugh.
  • Gorillas. I could see shooting one if it chucked some poo at you, or if it pulled your arms off. But when they are just sitting in little groups picking bugs out of each others fur? That is like a drive by. You are in your living room, watching TV. Bam! Dead.
I realize I need to pose an alternative otherwise we are going to be overrun by Elephants and Rhino, even thought they can't drive, don't understand the public transport system and only reproduce at about 5% a year. So here is my rough plan.
  • Deer: Hit them with all the clunkers that were traded in on the Cash for Clunker program. Or lets go back to spears. Combine your running and throwing skills into hunting. Chase after a deer, throw a sharp stick at it. I would watch that on TV before I would watch golf. 
  • Birds: If you have to kill them. (I don't know why you do, they taste rubbish.) Hunt them with other birds. Or just chase after them and scoop them up. Might get rid of some of the fatties in the middle of the country. Even rocky had a hard time catching that chicken. Make it part of your workout.
  • Whales: Back to Basics.Use a small boat and a long, sharp stick. How many "brave whalers" do you think there would be if they had to sit right on top of a 30 foot long, 10 ton whale that was pissed off because you just poked it with a stick? That or you should have to go after them. Take the fight under water, don't wait until they are trying to breathe. Whalers should be punched while pooping, see how they like it.
As for the ones that we kill just for fun,? Yeah, there is no excuse for that. I can get behind the Somali Pirates shooting up boats because they are starving easier than I can get behind shooting an animal, loping off one part of it, then leaving the rest. Nobody thought it was funny when the Natives scalped the whites, or when the US soldiers took the ears off the Viet Cong. As a punishment for poaching, poachers should be caught, a part of them should be removed, then they should be let go. I am not thinking of their appendix or their tonsils either.

As for the hunters that will cry. If you are a sportsman, figure out a sporting way to hunt. As a fisherman, I have to trick the fish into biting a lure, then get him into the boat, where I take his picture and let him go. I don't drop dynamite into the water. Maybe running after a deer and slapping him on the ass isn't the same, but how fair is it to sit in a tree until one walks under you and then blast him from 100 yards with a scope. Get off your ass and work for it. Or use the Buick. OR! If we are so damn smart, why don't we try training others to do the work for us. 
And if someone can train an Orca (Killer Whale) for me, that will eat Dolphins. I will be eternally grateful. Dolphins creep me out.

* the site I found about where bacon comes from might be suspect. Please don't burst my bubble. I like my magic version of how pigs become wonderful bacon.

16 February, 2010

Fly, FatAss! Fly!

Now that it is a Media Sensation, I feel like I can jump in on the Kevin Smith story. For those of you (both of you?) that don't know. Kevin Smith, of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy etc. was tossed off of a SouthwestAir flight for being too chubby. Admittedly, Kevin is a chubby guy, but come on. I would be he goes less than 300lb these days. That isn't too big for seat. I have been on flights to Vegas where the Flight Attendants had to go get more seat belt extenders to accommodate the girth of the Vegas-bound revelers. Kevin didn't need an extender, he was in the seat, armrests down, bag put away, doing his best Silent Bob impression when he got booted off the plane for being a safety hazard.

I have been on a flight where a monster got sat next to me. It was only an hour flight, so I leaned over a bit and dealt with it. Should the Chubby be persecuted because they are what they are? Should the Tall? The Short?

If we let the Airlines win on this point -the point being that Kevin Smith and the people that look like Kevin Smith. ie. Those that are over 200 lbs, are too fat to fly- then what comes next? Is Krist Novoselic too tall to fly? Is Jamie Cullum too short? Perhaps then it will flood over to Victoria Beckham being too skinny to fly. Or Sarah Palin being too stupid. Next up, we will say Mick Jager is too wrinkly, Jeff Bridges is too cool, Johnny Dep is too pretty, and Shatner is too awesome.

There will be an Average-o-meter installed at every airport just before the metal detectors. If you are not approx. 5'9" and between 150 and 170 lbs, you will be asked to purchase a ticket "upgrade" that puts you in a tall/short/fat/thin/wrinkled/pretty/or other category, away from the "Average" fliers.  This will drive up the cost of your tickets because the separate seats aren't free.The next logical step is, after the special seats are established, the "Average Flier" will complain that they don't get to sit in the Fatty Seats, that they are being excluded and picked on. Persecuted even. THE HORROR!  

Southwest should just step up and say the real reason that Kevin was removed from the flight. He was not too fat. He was removed from the flight because he has a beard. It was Profiling on the basest levels. SWA are anti-beard-ites. They are trying to cover it up by saying Kevin was too chubby and that his seat mates had to lean over but the awful truth is that they discriminated against his Hirsute Nature. Personally, I will not be flying SouthwestAir again. I never flew them before, so I doubt this impacts them much. But it is the thought that counts. Right?

Oh, and to all you people that have been commenting on the articles, twittering or otherwise mentioning that Kevin Smith is just too damn fat and it is his own fault (I am talking to you Patricia Remkus, and you Sue Grant.) Last person I saw that CHOSE to be fat was Homer Simpson. Might as well CHOOSE to be Black, Choose to be Jewish, or Choose to be an Asshole... Wait. Strike that last one. That is what a lot of you are doing. 

*as a side note, there are some real fatties in Vegas. 400 pounders, using electric wheelchairs to get from one slot machine to the next. Smoking and drinking as they wheel down the buffet line in Circus Circus. In the 116 degree heat too. Mind boggling. Makes me proud to be an American.

10 February, 2010

Snow days in the Fez.

Hey everyone. As a special treat to my very first follower (I know, I have two now!) I made a little something to help him get to work. If you read the news, you know that DC has been hit by a little bit of snow in the last couple of days. And by "a little" I mean feet of the stuff. Snowplows are getting stuck on side streets, people are raiding supermarkets, it is like the end times there. Keeping in mind Tavis' crazy dedication to developing websites and playing spider solitaire while eating a vegetarian Lean Cuisine.

He is one dedicated soldier. And very Eco minded. Hence the reason he drives a monster-trucked Smart Car. That way he gets the best mileage as well as being able to drive over the top of the Hummers that are stuck in the snow.

There is only one drawback to it being a smart car. There is only enough room for him, his laptop and the cats. Not that he needs anything more than that. Maybe his coffee cup and a dozen donuts from Dunkin' that he wants to share.

This is my big treat to him. Although he is going to be angry that I outed him as a cat owner 9 times over. Shhh ... Maybe he won't notice.

Maybe I can bribe him with beers when I am back in his hood. Otherwise I am looking at an ass woopin, worthy of The Wire. He does live in Baltimore after all...

08 February, 2010

My Two Daves

I came up with a revelation this morning. Maybe not the most shocking thing to ever hit the blog world, but I was surprised at the pile of evidence that I came up with to back it up in short order. It came to me in the loo, (where all the best ideas happen) that there are two types of Dave in the world. Yes, I am sure you are saying: "Stupid man, there are LOADS of types of Dave in the world. I have 4 Daves in my office. All different."
But I will counter with my pile of evidence that I have meticulously researched in the last half hour using Google images. I used images because I am crap at remembering names. I do better with faces. You would think that my inability to remember a person's name would poke a hole in the My Two Daves theory, but it works. Just hear me out.

The two Daves I am speaking of are either a Dave or a David. A lot of children are given the name David and then called "Dave" by their friends and family. They grow up being the easy-going/fun-loving Daves that we all know and love. Other children are given the name David then referred to as "David" by their peer group and turn into uptight twits.

Right now, you are probably thinking, "This idiot has no idea what he is talking about. He is pulling all of this out of his butt and I am going to stop reading now and go back to surfing for porn." But, WAIT! Here is where I cleverly place my exhibit A. Hah! Dave Grohl! The Personification of Dave-ness. Born, David Eric Grohl outside of Washington D.C. (thank you Wiki) and is as Dave as it gets. Cool beyond belief, although he would be the last one to recognize it. He is under the impression that he is just a big dork. So on the Rock Star front, my Dave vs David features Dave Grohl of too many bands to count, versus ...

David Lee Roth. Nothing against David Lee Roth. I am a huge Van Halen fan. I had a poster of David Lee Roth up in my bedroom as a kid right up until I figured out it might be a little gay to have a poster of a naked man getting out of a pool in my room. At the time, I just thought he was cool. It was very hard to find an image that summed up David in all is glory, did I use the one with him wearing Assless chaps with a horse tail in the back? The one of him clowning at the podium when he was supposed to be presenting an award? I had to settle on one... So I came to this one. The man carpet in the first shot is just amazing. But it was a sign of the times. If you were someone, you had a carpet. Jon Bon Jovi, Andre Agassi in the pre-shave days, and they were building on the greatest carpet in rock and roll, Robert Plant. Compared to them, Bob Plant had sprouts more than a full on carpet, but he was doing the Shirtless Rockstar well before them. But I digress.
Even Rolling Stone referred to David as "the most obnoxious singer in human history, an achievement notable in the face of long tradition and heavy competition." (thanks again, Wiki)

So that is my Dave vs David Phase one. I have a few more Daves I can throw out for you to think about, comment on this if you disagree. I am happy to play along.

Some other notable Daves. Feel free to weigh in on their cool/crap factor.

David Mustaine of Megadeth.
David Letterman of late night fame.
David Cameron of the Conservative Party.
David Chappelle of the Chappelle Show (more notably, walking around D.C.) .
David Lachapelle photographer extraordinaire.
David Sedaris humorist writer.
David Eggars satirical writer.
David Bowie far-out man.
David Foley Canadian funnyman.
David Beckham Mrs. Posh Spice.
David Duchovney Sex Addict.
David Hasselhoff of David Hasselhoff fame

Let me also add; some people are born Davids, and grow into Daves. Some Daves can act a bit David on occasion. Others are just David all the time.
I have my list, answers will appear next week. Jump in with your own list of Davids or Daves. Even if he is just a David from your world.

Oh, and thanks for reading.