01 December, 2013

New Idea For Detroit

I know I advocated selling it to Canada (and I still think that is a viable choice) but if America is that reluctant to reduce our surface area, perhaps this would work better.

The Mayor of Detroit needs to bum a ride to Hollywood and sit down with the heads of all the film studios. He should offer up the city as a full movie set. I know a lot of films have been set in the city. Beverly Hills Cop was set in Detroit, Grosse Point Blank... Sparkle. I am sure there were others. But why are more films set in Canada than Detroit when Detroit has WAY more to offer. What does it have to offer you may ask? In Detroit the film studios would be allowed to blow up buildings for real!

The Mayor already put forth a plan to bulldoze abandoned buildings and hopefully concentrate the population into denser areas. What makes more sense, to pay for the buildings to be knocked down or to let someone pay YOU to knock them down? I am going to go with option B.

According to demolitionconnection.com the cost of taking down a 10,000 square foot warehouse is between $4.00 and $8.00 per square foot. So clearing out a crack den warehouse could cost you $80,000.00 or you could charge Michael Bay half a million to do this to it.
As long as part of the contract included having a grip or a Best Boy come behind everyone with a broom, the whole city could be turned into a mildly-polluted-with-thermite national park within a year. Sprinkle some Scott's turf builder around and Detroit can go from this.
Before Michael Bay

After Michael Bay and some turf builder.
Tell me you wouldn't rather see Detroit as a happy, grass-covered city with trees where once stood crack dens.

Just a thought, Mr. Mayor. You can call me to ask for more details. I am sure together we can get your city back on track. 

02 October, 2013

You're Fired

Sorry, Congress. In my opinion, you have failed to preform at your chosen field of employment now for the last 3 years. When it comes time for your "contract" to be renewed, we the people of the United States are going to opt out.
Please don't attempt to point fingers and lay blame. It is way too late for that. Your job, as we see it, is to work with your colleagues to facilitate the running of our country. That is what we hired you for and that is what we expect you to do when we buy your plane ticket to Washington and put you in a pretty little office with a staff and an expense account.
We do not expect you to throw your toys out of the pram every time a law comes your way you don't like. We do not expect you to go on a 21 hour rant about nothing just so you can get on TV for your 15 minutes of fame.

In closing, you were sent to D.C. to do a job.  You have all refused to do your job and for that reason, we have to fire you. 

I encourage anyone between the ages of 18 and 1000 to write a letter to their congressional representative and remind them of what their job is. Then, walk to the polls next month at the mid-term elections and vote for anyone who isn't currently in office. Clear the books and let's start anew. 

20 September, 2013

Dear America (Updated)

I have an idea and I think you should hear me out. This isn't one of my new plans like training a Killer Whale Army or using expired Grandparents to make oil. This is an old plan that has been tested time and again and works wonders. However, the U.S. has never been on this side of the table and therefore will be reluctant to play along. That is where I need your help.
The Plan: Historically, when governments find themselves strapped for cash, they have two options. Option A, start a war with your neighbours.
Option B, sell something you aren't using.

As we have been at war since 1990 and not made any money from it, I am proposing we switch to Option B. There is only one drawback with Option B. America doesn't make anything we can sell that isn't already being sold. We could sell Buicks or Jeeps but when you can get a KIA for less money and a longer warranty, the Jeep doesn't sound as nice.

So we are going to have to sell something else. Something we aren't using.
When Napoleon was broke, he sold a little part of North America for 50 million francs. When Russia needed some ready cash for Vodka, they sold Alaska for 7 million dollars.
This was a great idea for both countries because they didn't really need those areas. They were too far away to support and were only causing a drain on the local economies.

Right now we are on the verge of another Government shutdown due to fiscal shortcomings. Even after sequestration, we still don't have enough money to run things here in DC.
To me, this sounds like a good time to actually trim some fat and make some cash.

All that was just the set up. Here is the Plan. Sell Detroit to Canada. You read that right. Sell. Detroit. To. Canada.

Think about it. We aren't using it. Detroit's population has been in a steady decline since before Robocop came out. Abandon buildings, closing schools, empty factories... there isn't a large enough population to gain enough tax revenue to fix half of their problems. So here is the plan. We consolidate all the people from Detroit into the surrounding areas and sell the land and the buildings to Canada. Canada gets the last corner of Lake St. Clair, we get a few million in Canadian Dollars (worth more than US) and we plug the leak of a Bankrupt city.
If you had a home in Detroit, we just give you one of the abandoned ones from the towns on the outskirts. It will get more kids into the schools, more workers in the jobs, and more taxes in the city coffers. If you want to stay in Detroit, fine. You are now a Canadian. Enjoy the maple syrup. 
A win-win for everyone.

Of course, Napoleon wasn't too wise with his cash. He used the whole wad to plan an invasion of the United Kingdom that never happened. I am sure the US gov would be much more judicious with the funds. The money would go to good use.

So there it is. We sell Detroit to Canada. Once that takes off, we can set about buying Mexico and flipping it. It has everything a country needs, it just needs a coat of paint, some Starbucks and maybe a Taco Bell or two, then we can sell it back to Mexicans for a profit.

Next time I will tell you about my plan to fence Missouri and rent it out as a prison. Or maybe I will outline my plan for a new HGTV series. "Haitian Restoration"

Update! I spoke with a friend of mine that has worked in the Govt. for about 15 years. He was certain Canada would only buy Detroit if we threw in Cleveland. Cleveland is an amazing place! Sometimes the rivers catch fire! How cool is that?! Burning Rivers. You can catch fish that are precooked! What a time saver.

12 July, 2013

What sort of lazy bugger...

...is running this show?
The last post was in January? Sheesh. Congress works more often than that!
Okay. that is an outright lie. Congress spends more time in airports than they do passing laws and running the country. 

This whole triple branch Govt. thing keeps anything from getting done.

I heard a little blip on NPR --yes, even jerks like me listen to NPR-- this morning about supporting the rebels in Syria. Since fighting there began, the hawks in congress have been pushing and complaining that Obama hasn't been doing enough to support the rebels. He should set up a no-fly zone. He should supply arms. He should send in troops. He should nuke Iran... Okay, maybe I made that last one up.

Obama gave a little speech a few weeks ago that by using chemical weapons, the Syrians had crossed a line and the US was going to have to step in like a recess monitor on the playground. The US would start shipping small arms and other supplies to the rebels in an effort to stop the fighting. To me, this is like giving knives to salmon so eagles don't catch them.

However, the promised arms have never been sent. Care to guess why? Congress won't approve the distribution of arms. Let me say it again. Congress won't approve it. The people that were clamoring for intervention have been given exactly what they asked for only to start backpedaling dragging their feet.

I am starting to think that the object of Congress is to keep anything from happening in the Government. If the President likes something, they poo-poo it. If the Senate likes something, they poo-poo it. You know what Congress is? Congress is made up of Internet Trolls. Their sole purpose in life is to nay-say and trash talk.
Makes you proud to be an American.  

23 January, 2013


Well, it had to happen. Global warming has kicked in and it is finally cold in DC. Is it colder than normal? No. But everyone forgets that it should be cold from December to February so the moment the temp drops below 40 degrees, everyone freaks out and throws a tantrum --Me included.
This morning I was complaining that I didn't have enough covers on the bed and when the alarm went off, I set it for 30 minutes later and jumped back under the warm covers. This time of year I think about renting a dog to sleep in the bed with me to keep it a little warmer. That would make three of us in there and I am sure that would be too many.

So if it is cold in your neighbourhood, I am sorry. Welcome to winter. Be glad your house doesn't look like this.
Stay warm, make yourself a nice cup of tea and pour a healthy dollop of Jamison in there. Trust me, it helps.

09 January, 2013

Another Brilliant Idea

You all know how I get a bug in my bonnet about problems in the world and how I can fix them. Here is another pair of situations that I think we could combine and eliminate.

You know how we have this giant financial crisis? The Govt. needs to cut spending as well as raise tax income otherwise some mysterious thing will occur that will spell out the end of the world as far as the news media is concerned.
You are also aware of the current problem with nut-jobs going into public places and blowing holes in a bunch of innocent people just because their mommy didn't hug them enough. I won't add pictures because you all know what I am talking about.

I have a plan to bring us back from the brink of extinction, stop nutters from shooting up our schools, and vastly improve the public education system here in 'Merica.

All we need to do is pull our troops out of the countries and wars that are not our business and only serve to piss off the international community because 'Merica pokes it's nose in where it doesn't belong. We bring them ALL back home, and put them on duty in the school system as teachers and tutors.
I am certain that no one would be pulling C's or D's in English if Gunnery Sergeant Ermey was telling students the rules.
"Listen up maggots! It's I before E, except after C! And when I say otherwise! Now drop and give me twenty before I rip your head off and poop down your neckhole!"
Not only would kids not come out of school with no idea how to read or add, they would understand how the real world works and there would be no such thing as child obesity.  Along with super-fit kids that understand the world isn't all hearts and flowers and handed to you on a plate, I dare anyone that isn't driving a tank to attempt an assault on a school full of marines.

Be honest, which one of these guys would you feel safer leaving your kids with?
Just guessing here, but I am thinking I would rather my kids learned math from a guy that had to calculate how far away some insurgents were and the best way to get a howitzer round to hit them than Mr. Wimple who used to work for the IRS. Nothing against the IRS or any other accountants. 

This new plan of mine does a lot of things. It cuts the number of troops we have overseas getting shot at. It protects our kids from nutters that prey on the innocent. It eliminates the child obesity crisis and would give us the greatest generation to come along since ever.
All our kids would respect their elders, understand the value of hard work, be as smart as anything and they would all look like this.

Problem solved. Next up, we get rid of the bullshit gridlock in congress. Look out congress, I am coming for you next!