21 May, 2010

The Big Spill

I am not a rocket scientist. I can not perform brain surgery -- Well, I COULD, but I am not certain you would live though it. I would film you legs kicking up when I poked different parts of your brain though and I would post them on Youtube under the heading "Alien Autopsy". hehe -- and I am not an expert in fluid dynamics. BUT. I am pretty clever when given a problem and I am quite lazy so the simplest solution is often the one that makes the most sense to me.

That being established, I can not understand what the hell is going on in the gulf with the whole oil spill.

I understand that there was a huge cock up that I am blaming Dick Cheney (Haliburton) for and I understand that a gazillion gallons of oil is spewing forth from the bottom of the ocean. What I don't understand is all the overtly complex methods that are getting used to sort it out. Of course, I have a plan. (why wouldn't I. I am a planner)

My grand plan:
Oil floats on water. I remember this from walking down the aisle as a kid and shaking the hell out of the Italian dressing bottles for fun. (We were poor. That was entertainment then) Eventually, all the oil that is squirting out a mile below the surface is going to float up to the top. Right?

They need to get a few empty tankers in the area, and a few pumper boats, then suck the water and oil off the surface and dump it into the tankers. The Oil will float and the water will sink. I know this to be true because I watched it all the time at the grocery store. Just takes a minute. Then they can pump out the sea water and have a tanker full of oil. If they were REALLY serious, they could lower a hose down and start sucking right where it is blowing out.  I am guessing that it is a ridged pipe that is broken and not a flexible one. But as they have the little top hat thing going on... it should work.

If you take my plan to suck up the oil and the water and Denis Leary's plan to buy up all the Shamwows and sop up the stuff that gets missed, we should be able to get this thing cleaned up for just a few million.

You're welcome BP. I will take free fill-ups for life and a producer credit when the film comes out. As I don't own a car, you are getting off pretty cheep.

If you aren't keen on that idea, what do you think about building a giant Gravy Separator ... we can pour all the water and oil in, then put it in the fridge... but we are going to need a very big fridge.

Editor's note: Do not trust this blogger to do brain surgery on you. He will post it on Youtube but if you click on it, you will most likely get RickRolled. For some reason, he thinks that is still funny. 

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