27 May, 2010

The Blah. It is a sandwich.

I am not sure where they came from, but a host of tiny microbes have entered into my body and assassinated my voice. Thanks little cooties. I wasn't using that thing to talk to people about jobs or anything. 

Because I am feeling crap, and I am unable to articulate my needs to others without sounding a bit like Nell, I stayed in for lunch today. I decided to make my signature sandwich. "You have a signature sandwich?" Of course I do. Don't you? A sandwich that you would make all the time because you never see it out anywhere? Okay, maybe it is just me, but I thought I would share. (I even took pictures {with my iPhone, I was in a rush})

My signature sandwich is called The BLAH.  Let me break that down for you. Bacon, Lettuce, Avocado and Humous. BLAH.  I am pretty sure I invented this one as I have never heard anyone else talk about it, and I don't think I have seen it out anywhere. You can correct me if I am wrong, but if you say you had the same thing at a diner in Hoboken that I have never heard of or been too, how the hell did I copy it? They copied me. Trust me. 

If you care to make one, this is the formula: 
  • Two slices white or brown bread (I go for the Brown. I like to think it is better for me) 
  • 6 rashers of crispy streaky bacon (sorry Brits. it has to be streaky and thiner is better. We are adding flavor, not stopping hearts. If I was trying to kill you, I would come up with something from here.)
  • 3 or 4 slices of avocado.
  • A bunch of lettuce (Little gem, butter, iceberg if you like. something with a crunch. Use what you like.) 
  • Humous ( I like the red pepper Humous, but if you are down with plain, go that route.) 
The build:
Toast that bread. Has to be done. If you try this on regular bread, it is going to gum up into a ball in the roof of your mouth and you will look silly trying to scrape it off with your tongue. Just toast the damn bread. 

Spread a glob of Humous on the toasty bread and start to layer the lettuce leaves and bacon in alternating patterns. You don't have to do this part. I do, because I am a nutter that likes order and things to be tidy. If you want to be a slob, then so be it. 

 As you can see, I grew up when the *McDLT was around and like to keep things separate until the last minute. Even when the hot side isn't hot.  

Normally, I am a big advocate of salt and pepper on a sandwich, but in this case, just the pepper. This one is salty enough, but the  pepper is key, if you are a fan. If you are scared of it, then don't use it. 

Flip side A onto side B. Witness the need for the alternating layers? You want a hit of bacon goodness in every bite, with the crunch of the lettuce being the body of the sandwich. Think of this as a good way to get your greens in. If you look close you might see that I was low on Humous and had to cheat a little with some mayo on my lettuce. It is my sandwich, you don't know that this isn't the normal way I do things. Shush. I don't come over to your work and throw rocks at you while you are mowing lawns, do I? 

Slice your lovely creation and enjoy. I like to slice corner to corner because I am fussy and my mother never sliced sandwiches that way. I think it is fancier.  Welcome to my world. 

There it is. The BLAH. I have registered the name, so if you try to steal it, I will send nasty letter to you and then pout. I think that is all that happens now days. Unless you are a huge corporation and have copy written things like, the I before E rule and the use of silent B's at the end of words.  

With any luck, I will have a voice after the holiday weekend. 

Wish me luck. 

*Yep, that is Jason Alexander in that McD's commercial. Remember when white sport coats with the sleeves pushed up was cool? I swear I saw some teenie out of Brompton Road  like that the other day. We had the 80's once. We can say it was Cocaine then. Now? You just look sad. 

Blogger's note: Speaking of horrible fashion. I saw a guy the other day wearing gold aviators walking down the street. One pair wasn't enough for him, he had on a T shirt printed with a big pair of them too. I am guessing, but I bet his pants were printed with tiny aviators. Some people are so cool, one pair of Douche-Bag Glasses is not enough.  

21 May, 2010

The Big Spill

I am not a rocket scientist. I can not perform brain surgery -- Well, I COULD, but I am not certain you would live though it. I would film you legs kicking up when I poked different parts of your brain though and I would post them on Youtube under the heading "Alien Autopsy". hehe -- and I am not an expert in fluid dynamics. BUT. I am pretty clever when given a problem and I am quite lazy so the simplest solution is often the one that makes the most sense to me.

That being established, I can not understand what the hell is going on in the gulf with the whole oil spill.

I understand that there was a huge cock up that I am blaming Dick Cheney (Haliburton) for and I understand that a gazillion gallons of oil is spewing forth from the bottom of the ocean. What I don't understand is all the overtly complex methods that are getting used to sort it out. Of course, I have a plan. (why wouldn't I. I am a planner)

My grand plan:
Oil floats on water. I remember this from walking down the aisle as a kid and shaking the hell out of the Italian dressing bottles for fun. (We were poor. That was entertainment then) Eventually, all the oil that is squirting out a mile below the surface is going to float up to the top. Right?

They need to get a few empty tankers in the area, and a few pumper boats, then suck the water and oil off the surface and dump it into the tankers. The Oil will float and the water will sink. I know this to be true because I watched it all the time at the grocery store. Just takes a minute. Then they can pump out the sea water and have a tanker full of oil. If they were REALLY serious, they could lower a hose down and start sucking right where it is blowing out.  I am guessing that it is a ridged pipe that is broken and not a flexible one. But as they have the little top hat thing going on... it should work.

If you take my plan to suck up the oil and the water and Denis Leary's plan to buy up all the Shamwows and sop up the stuff that gets missed, we should be able to get this thing cleaned up for just a few million.

You're welcome BP. I will take free fill-ups for life and a producer credit when the film comes out. As I don't own a car, you are getting off pretty cheep.

If you aren't keen on that idea, what do you think about building a giant Gravy Separator ... we can pour all the water and oil in, then put it in the fridge... but we are going to need a very big fridge.

Editor's note: Do not trust this blogger to do brain surgery on you. He will post it on Youtube but if you click on it, you will most likely get RickRolled. For some reason, he thinks that is still funny. 

18 May, 2010

Suck it, Titchmarsh!

That is a little harsh. I have nothing against Alan Titchmarsh. It just worked better than "Suck it, Don!" (Monty) or "Suck it, Diarmuid", (Who the hell is he anyway? Gavin Diarmuid?)
Besides, "Suck it, Titchmarch" rolls off the tongue and brings to mind the glory days of SNL when Celebrity Jeopardy was on and SNL was funny. Or when I had a television.

Anyway. I have so much extra time on my hands, and I am waiting to hear back on breaking Tilly out of jail so he can help me train my Navy and Marine Corps, so I have taken up gardening. My Grandmother is an awesome gardner who can grow anything by cursing at it. She leads the garden club in her home town along with being the school librarian. Did I mention that she is over 90? Toughest little woman there is.
One of us could stand to loose a few pounds in this shot. And no making fun of my sideburns. It was a phase. They are much shorter now.

So I am working on a container garden. I have a few plants going and I might keep you in the loop as to how they do. Unless they all die. That will be a very private moment with many tears and a bottle of whiskey to soothe my nerves. Wait. That is just Thursday night. Never mind.

First up.  An orange tree. I have killed my fair share of citrus trees. The fact that this one still has leaves and actually has flowers on it is a good sign. But don't say anything, the little bugger will curl up and die if you talk to it. And here I thought I was moody.

Gerbera Daisies. You know the ones. They look like little sunflowers. So far, they are going strong. -- Keep it up little guys. -- I have no idea what colors they are going to be. Pink? Yellow? Red? We shall see.

Hot chili peppers. I got the seeds from a matchbook at Wahaca near the Strand. Pretty good Mexican food if you are in the area and need a fix. They hand out little matchbooks that are not filled with matches, but are filled with Chili Seeds. A novel concept, and they have actually sprouted and grown quite well. They were the first ones in the ground back in February. Fingers crossed something comes of it.

A bit of Rocket. (That is Arugula for the Americans)  Got to have some greens in my life, right? If it worked for Esther over at the Recipe Rifle when she was ducking carbs and only eating greens and protein. We know, she is a little crazy, but it was before her wedding. I think she is past it now. (She is a hyperlinking maniac) 

Okay, so I don't have 100% success rate. This pot of dirt is red bell peppers. They have yet to sprout or doing anything other than force me to make mud from dirt every few days. I have grand dreams of making stuffed peppers, roasted pepper humous, uh, what else can you make with red peppers? Whatever it is, the little suckers better sprout soon, or I am going to toss them and double my Rocket collection. 

So that is my garden. There are a couple other house plants kicking around here too but these are the main team members of the garden. I might have to release them into the wild when I start training the troops, until then, I will keep poking my fingers in the dirt to see if it is damp enough then furiously washing my hands because I am actually a prissy girl who doesn't like to get dirty. But you didn't hear that from me. 

13 May, 2010

The Plan (as I like to call it)

I made it back. Thanks for being patient with me.

Here is the big idea I was speaking about in my last post. Now that I am not working, I have a bit of time on my hands. I figure I will take that time to do something productive, something that will help the world, shape it into a better place, make it a little nicer for the next group coming in. I have been working on this plan for a while now and it is far from finished I am going to train an entire military of animals and with it, take over small parts of the world. I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but that is why I am starting small.

I first got this idea when Tillikum (Tilly to his friends) grabbed his trainer and kind of killed her in Orlando. I thought to myself, this is a whale I could get along with. -- Backing up a little, I might have to tell you how I feel about dolphin for this to make sense. I hate Dolphins. You might be saying "How can you hate Dolphins, they are so cute and smile all the time and happy and friendly..." And that right there, is the reason. NOTHING is that happy all the time. Those suckers are planning something. They are trying to lull us into a false sense of security by saving the odd surfer from a shark bite, or swimming along in front of sail boats. That is all a ploy to get us to trust them. Then they are going to Nuke us. (What, you say they are so smart, Nuclear Physics is beyond them?) Face it, dolphins are just plain creepy*. I don't care what Hayden Panettiere says.

I refuse to trust something that smiles all the time. Like a car salesman, or the mobile phone guy, or Sarah Palin,  it is not going to happen. Polar Bears are cute and fuzzy, they attack people that walk up to them, as do Pandas. Even the cuddly Koala will pee on you if you get too close. I can respect that, but super-happy, smiley-face dolphin are ALWAYS little helpers, always friendly. Which is why I was intrigued when Tilly went off, he also has a record of kicking ass and taking names, which means He is the perfect whale for the job of training my new Navy. A Navy composed of Killer Whales!

The Navy's initial job was to keep the Dolphin in check. Killer Whales are perfect for this role. They eat fish and mammals, including sharks, manta rays and bigger whales. They already have a cool paint job, and they have very tight organizational structures, they live and work in Squads (call them Pods) and can work together to problem solve and attain greater goals. (Hell, the G-8 can't even do that.) They were going to patrol the coast and keep the dolphins from acting too cute and gaining support for their cause. As a side job, they will be tasked with finding the dolphin's underwater WMDs and taking them out of action. Do dolphin have WMDs? There do if I read it on the internet. And as I am writing this and posting it on the internet, it must be true. Same reason we went to Iraq.

That WAS  going to be their job, but now that the Japanese have pushed through an end to the ban on commercial whaling, their mission has changed. They are now tasked with forming a joint operation with the brave men and women of Greenpeace and the Sea Shepherd boat that got rammed in January. They are going to stage an attack on the whaling vessels. They will be assisted by my newly formed Marine Corps .

Packs of Hyena! Riding in on the backs of my Killer Whale Navy. They can be inserted into any situation and quickly sort out any troubles on land. They will be unstoppable! As long as no one on the boat has guns, and as long as they don't fall off the back of the whales, and as long as the whales don't eat them. So there are a few details to work out.

I am still on the lookout for an Army to hold the positions that we take over, but I am at a loss as to who/what I should use.  I read an article about a woman that was killed by a Giraffe today, perhaps that is the way to go.

That is what I am doing to help change the world. I like to think of it as a noble cause. Something that will make the world a better place for the children. Just not dolphin children.

*If you don't think dolphins are just wrong, here is Jennifer Garner's account of being molested by one. You would go to jail for this. Dolphins, not so much.

Notes: Frank Frazetta died the other day, I found the killer whale image above on the 'Unofficial website' and borrowed it for here. He really was a great artist even if you aren't into Sci-Fi Fanboy art. Self taught, no formal schooling. 
I am also aware that the above makes me sound a bit insane as I am planning on training a navy of whales to take over the world. I am getting closer to finding a real job. That should cut my insane rants down a little. Then what will I talk about?  

12 May, 2010


Someone is a big, fat, slacker-pants and he has not written anything for ages. Sorry about that, I am looking for a job and it is taking all my spare times. I have a couple things on the docket, I just need to do a little photoshop work to get my point across.

I promise I will get something out this week. I have been cooking the concept pretty long, so It is fairly well developed.