20 September, 2013

Dear America (Updated)

I have an idea and I think you should hear me out. This isn't one of my new plans like training a Killer Whale Army or using expired Grandparents to make oil. This is an old plan that has been tested time and again and works wonders. However, the U.S. has never been on this side of the table and therefore will be reluctant to play along. That is where I need your help.
The Plan: Historically, when governments find themselves strapped for cash, they have two options. Option A, start a war with your neighbours.
Option B, sell something you aren't using.

As we have been at war since 1990 and not made any money from it, I am proposing we switch to Option B. There is only one drawback with Option B. America doesn't make anything we can sell that isn't already being sold. We could sell Buicks or Jeeps but when you can get a KIA for less money and a longer warranty, the Jeep doesn't sound as nice.

So we are going to have to sell something else. Something we aren't using.
When Napoleon was broke, he sold a little part of North America for 50 million francs. When Russia needed some ready cash for Vodka, they sold Alaska for 7 million dollars.
This was a great idea for both countries because they didn't really need those areas. They were too far away to support and were only causing a drain on the local economies.

Right now we are on the verge of another Government shutdown due to fiscal shortcomings. Even after sequestration, we still don't have enough money to run things here in DC.
To me, this sounds like a good time to actually trim some fat and make some cash.

All that was just the set up. Here is the Plan. Sell Detroit to Canada. You read that right. Sell. Detroit. To. Canada.

Think about it. We aren't using it. Detroit's population has been in a steady decline since before Robocop came out. Abandon buildings, closing schools, empty factories... there isn't a large enough population to gain enough tax revenue to fix half of their problems. So here is the plan. We consolidate all the people from Detroit into the surrounding areas and sell the land and the buildings to Canada. Canada gets the last corner of Lake St. Clair, we get a few million in Canadian Dollars (worth more than US) and we plug the leak of a Bankrupt city.
If you had a home in Detroit, we just give you one of the abandoned ones from the towns on the outskirts. It will get more kids into the schools, more workers in the jobs, and more taxes in the city coffers. If you want to stay in Detroit, fine. You are now a Canadian. Enjoy the maple syrup. 
A win-win for everyone.

Of course, Napoleon wasn't too wise with his cash. He used the whole wad to plan an invasion of the United Kingdom that never happened. I am sure the US gov would be much more judicious with the funds. The money would go to good use.

So there it is. We sell Detroit to Canada. Once that takes off, we can set about buying Mexico and flipping it. It has everything a country needs, it just needs a coat of paint, some Starbucks and maybe a Taco Bell or two, then we can sell it back to Mexicans for a profit.

Next time I will tell you about my plan to fence Missouri and rent it out as a prison. Or maybe I will outline my plan for a new HGTV series. "Haitian Restoration"

Update! I spoke with a friend of mine that has worked in the Govt. for about 15 years. He was certain Canada would only buy Detroit if we threw in Cleveland. Cleveland is an amazing place! Sometimes the rivers catch fire! How cool is that?! Burning Rivers. You can catch fish that are precooked! What a time saver.