09 April, 2010

A public service announcement.

Lets talk about sunglasses. It is getting warm here in the UK, the sun has decided to burn through the cloud layer and there are distinct moments when I am outside that I think, "Wow, I almost need my sunglasses out here today." Then I look around at the people I am walking near and I see that they all have sunglasses on. I also see a disturbing trend that I can not abide by. Can't do it. I tried, I really really tried. But I just can't get there.

What am I talking about? Aviators. Not the nice men and women that drive our sky-buses around. I am talking about the sunglasses. The ultra mirrored, shiny, metal-framed wonders that are perched on the faces of thousands of people out there. Here is where I come in. I am not sure the people that are out on the streets today know the rules about Aviators. "There are rules", you say? Why yes. Yes, there are. I am so glad you asked. Before I get into the rules of wearing Aviator-style glasses, please allow me a moment to give you my Top Five people that wear this style of glasses. This list is in order of magnitude based on the likelihood of people wearing these things on their face.

Number 5. (people LEAST likely to wear the glasses) Pilots. You would think that people that fly planes for a living would wear the glasses that are named after their profession, but you would be wrong. Pilots, -real pilots, mind you- have to actually see what they are looking at. I am not just guessing. I know a real pilot.

Number 4. Paedophiles. This really isn't funny. But if you are trying to hide what you look like from unsuspecting victims children. A big pair of glasses is the best way to go. Add in a navy blue baseball cap with a NY Yankees logo and you can just get arrested for walking outside. In fact, when I googled "Gary Glitter" (convicted paedo) I got this image back. He might have ruined it for all of you.

Number 3. Ironic Hipsters or Scenesters. You know who I am talking about. But to be fair, I think even the Hipsters have moved on. Thick Plastic Frames seem to be more their thing nowadays. They are only wearing the glasses because their parents don't understand them, or to hide the tears. Why are they crying? Because their skinny, black jeans are too tight. Also, they are only wearing the glasses "Ironically". This means they know the glasses look stupid, but they wear them anyway. Hipsters tread a fine line with the Number 1. They can easily tip over the edge.

Number 2. Highway Patrol Officers. For some reason, they love the things. I think because not being able to see their eyes gives them a sense of authority. Although with the conception of Reno 911, and the lovable Lt. Jim Dangle, I think even they are moving to a different style. I don't know that for certain. It has been awhile since I got pulled over by one. I have left my speeding days behind me in my 20's.

So that leads us to the number one. The people most likely to be seen wearing Aviators. Guesses? Thoughts? Should I just tell you? Okay. Keeping with format.

Number 1. D-bags. Oh, come on. You knew it all along. You looked at the pictures before you read the words. You can see that the example guy is a total D-bag. If not from the striped out Mustang (sorry Tom), then from the personalized plate. "Ya Bro"? I assume that "Brah" must have been taken and he had to settle for his second choice. Should we move on to the overly deep V neck? The greasy hair? The Moccasins? The skinny, black jeans? Over-sized belt buckle? The duck lips or the hand thing --it is almost a finger gun, almost a Jesus blessing. Perhaps he is just reaching out for help. He WANTS us to pull him away from this life of D-Baggery that he has fallen into.

I know I might be going against the whole Free Will thing. People can wear/act/do whatever they like. but they should also know that there are consequences. A life of Baggery can easily get you on a TV program like Tool Academy. Nobody like the D-bag. That is why the word is an insult.

Sorry. I got a little carried away with the listing and forgot to list the rules. They are simple. Wearing Aviators will make you look like one of the above characters. Girls can fall into these categories just as easy as guys.
So here are the rules: Ah, screw the rules. Putting Aviators on will make you look like an arse. There are LOADS of other styles to choose from. Do yourself (and us all) a favor and pick one of them. Or don't, I am happy to make fun of you as you prance about Brompton Road in your over-sized Chrome glasses.


  1. omg I love my aviators. but I'm going to have to stop wearing them immediately now. is a d bag a douche bag?

  2. There are exceptions to all rules. As with most things, beautiful girls get a pass. Now if Giles were to wear them...
    And yes, "twat" is another fine term for the D-bags of the world.