17 February, 2010

Just a theory

I had a novel idea this morning -- in the shower. Where all the good ideas start. How much more interesting would the world be if we couldn't use guns to kill animals. And by animals, I mean the kind that have 4 legs or non-opposable thumbs or flippers or wings. We still need the guns to shoot two legged animals. I am not trying to start a gun control fight. Without guns to shoot people, Baltimore wouldn't have a city pass-time. (it is legal to shoot people there) Wars would be no fun at all if we didn't have bigger and better guns than the other side.People might stop having them.

I am talking about not being able to use guns to shoot animals. The impact in the wider world wouldn't be as serious as you might think. We really don't kill anything with guns anymore. Cows? We whack them in the head with a fiberglass rod. Just need to get them to hold their heads still while they are in the chute. Chickens? They are just scooped up and fed through the Pie Machine. I saw Chicken Run, I am sure that is how it works. That leaves us with Pigs. Pigs are processed ...well. I have no idea how pigs are dispatched. Wait. I looked it up on the interwebs*. Pigs walk under a unicorn and are magically turned into delicious Bacon, Ham, Sausages, etc. The unicorn is where they get the wonderful, smokey flavor.

So the only things we kill with guns that we might actually eat are Deer, Birds, and Whales. Then there are the ones that we aren't supposed to kill but still do; Wolves, Elephants, Rhino, Gorillas, etc.
Starting at the top:
  • Deer. I would venture that more deer are killed by cars than guns. We should just hunt them with cars. If you have driven down I270 in the fall you know what I am talking about. Looks like a slaughter house. Ugh
  • Birds. I don't see the point of shooting something that is the size of your fist that is 80% feathers. 
  • Whales. I am anti-whaling on the whole, but shooting something that lives under water when it comes up to take a breath is about as sporting as me running up and punching you in the face, mid poo.
  • Wolves. Americans just spent a shed-load of cash to get wolves back into the wilds of Idaho. Everyone rejoiced. Yay! Then they had babies. Now there are more then 100 of them. So Idaho passed a new law that you can shoot them. Huh? We just put them in? Don't try to tell me they eat cows, they eat deer.
  • Elephants. Do they do anything to make people angry? They just eat and walk and poop. It isn't their fault they have tusks. Not like they dig up your garden. 
  • Rhino. Same as the elephants. One long pointy thing, made out of hair and people want to chop it off and eat it? ugh.
  • Gorillas. I could see shooting one if it chucked some poo at you, or if it pulled your arms off. But when they are just sitting in little groups picking bugs out of each others fur? That is like a drive by. You are in your living room, watching TV. Bam! Dead.
I realize I need to pose an alternative otherwise we are going to be overrun by Elephants and Rhino, even thought they can't drive, don't understand the public transport system and only reproduce at about 5% a year. So here is my rough plan.
  • Deer: Hit them with all the clunkers that were traded in on the Cash for Clunker program. Or lets go back to spears. Combine your running and throwing skills into hunting. Chase after a deer, throw a sharp stick at it. I would watch that on TV before I would watch golf. 
  • Birds: If you have to kill them. (I don't know why you do, they taste rubbish.) Hunt them with other birds. Or just chase after them and scoop them up. Might get rid of some of the fatties in the middle of the country. Even rocky had a hard time catching that chicken. Make it part of your workout.
  • Whales: Back to Basics.Use a small boat and a long, sharp stick. How many "brave whalers" do you think there would be if they had to sit right on top of a 30 foot long, 10 ton whale that was pissed off because you just poked it with a stick? That or you should have to go after them. Take the fight under water, don't wait until they are trying to breathe. Whalers should be punched while pooping, see how they like it.
As for the ones that we kill just for fun,? Yeah, there is no excuse for that. I can get behind the Somali Pirates shooting up boats because they are starving easier than I can get behind shooting an animal, loping off one part of it, then leaving the rest. Nobody thought it was funny when the Natives scalped the whites, or when the US soldiers took the ears off the Viet Cong. As a punishment for poaching, poachers should be caught, a part of them should be removed, then they should be let go. I am not thinking of their appendix or their tonsils either.

As for the hunters that will cry. If you are a sportsman, figure out a sporting way to hunt. As a fisherman, I have to trick the fish into biting a lure, then get him into the boat, where I take his picture and let him go. I don't drop dynamite into the water. Maybe running after a deer and slapping him on the ass isn't the same, but how fair is it to sit in a tree until one walks under you and then blast him from 100 yards with a scope. Get off your ass and work for it. Or use the Buick. OR! If we are so damn smart, why don't we try training others to do the work for us. 
And if someone can train an Orca (Killer Whale) for me, that will eat Dolphins. I will be eternally grateful. Dolphins creep me out.

* the site I found about where bacon comes from might be suspect. Please don't burst my bubble. I like my magic version of how pigs become wonderful bacon.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, there are a lot of Poo references in here. I overlooked them at first but now they are right up in my grill. Like that missed space and misplaced comma. Oh, and the lack of a point...