11 March, 2010

Eating (you're doing it wrong)

Most people get teeth when they are about one, right? I know you lose that set and get another, but for the most part, you have teeth your whole life. You start using them, figuring out what you can and can't bite through pretty early. You gnaw on the sofa, you get yelled at. You bite your sister, you get grounded. Chew through a lead, you get shocked. That sort of thing is normal for people.

So why is it, that after 34 years of using these 'teeth things' that I have in my mouth, I still don't know how to use them. Here is what I mean; Last night, I was loading the dishwasher after dinner and nibbling away on the bits that I had left out while I ate dinner. --For the record. Dinner was actually cooked by me and was not a Ready-Meal. I read Recipe Rifle, I know my way around the kitchen. It might have just been Stir Fried Veggies and with Noodles, but still.-- There I am putting dishes in the washer and crunching on some veg that were still in the pan, when I forgot how my teeth were supposed to interact with the rest of my mouth parts.

As I leaned over to add the last yellow plate into the machine, a jolt of fire shot through the left side of my face. Oh SHIT! am I having a stroke? That is on the left side, right? Strokes are on this side? Maybe I have been shot? What happened to me? What could cause me this much pain? It all seems to be coming from the corner of my mouth.... Probing with my fingers, I found the source. I had bitten a hole in my lip large enough to slot a coin into.

And this isn't the first time. About twice a month, I bite a hole in my face but normally it isn't this large. I don't have Freddie Mercury teeth. They are normal, American teeth. They wore braces a couple of times to get nice and straight, so they don't poke out in a funny way. I am fairly certain my lips are not too small for my mouth. They cover my teeth unless I am smiling a lot. I also think they are not too big. They don't stick out like Bubba's from Forrest Gump. They aren't in the way or anything but for some reason, every so often, when I am eating, I forget to not take bites out of my own face parts.

That can't be normal, can it? I know lots of other people and they aren't eating themselves as an after-dinner treat. And the worst part is this. Now that I have eaten half my lower lip, it has swollen up to almost double, but just on the one side. Not only does this make me look like I have half a Trout Pout, as if I got scared after the first injection and told the doc to stop. Like a 1/4 Lindsey Lohan. Not only that, but BECAUSE that part of my face is now fatter than the rest, it sticks out and gets in the way of that same flesh-hungry tooth. I have bitten the same damn spot three more times.

On a brighter note, I am embarking on a mission to try all the pub nachos in my neighborhood. Because I am certain that is the secret to getting thin for the summer. Eating Nachos with loads of Sour Cream, Guacamole and melted cheese and washing it all down with two pints of the finest bitter in the pub. Why two pints? Because I will forget the nachos if I have four. Or I will bite through the fork, or my upper lip, or the glass because I am still not sure how these "teeth" work.

P.S. Thanks Esther for adding me to your blog roll. Hope the hen party was fun.


  1. Does the Draft House do Nacho's?
    I know its a little out of the neighbourhood, but if their chips are as good as you claim, we need to add them to the list.

  2. I didn't see Nachos on the menu last night.
    But the chips are really lovely. And the HeMan wallpaper just rocks!

  3. Own-baked nachos are vg. I scatter some lightly salted Doritos on a grill pan and cover them with cheddar/monteray jack and then wham them under the grill. Really livens up homemade chilli, which I'm not that skilled at. Always ends up a bit like bolognese.

  4. I LOVE nachos. I like to layer the crisps and the grated cheese, then bake them. That way you end up with a bit of cheese on every crisp. Yum.
    I like the Idea of Chili Bolognese. Sounds Genius!