Dear America (Updated)

I have an idea and I think you should hear me out. This isn't one of my new plans like training a Killer Whale Army or using expired Grandparents to make oil. This is an old plan that has been tested time and again and works wonders. However, the U.S. has never been on this side of the table and therefore will be reluctant to play along. That is where I need your help.
The Plan: Historically, when governments find themselves strapped for cash, they have two options. Option A, start a war with your neighbours.
Option B, sell something you aren't using.

As we have been at war since 1990 and not made any money from it, I am proposing we switch to Option B. There is only one drawback with Option B. America doesn't make anything we can sell that isn't already being sold. We could sell Buicks or Jeeps but when you can get a KIA for less money and a longer warranty, the Jeep doesn't sound as nice.

So we are going to have to sell something else. Something we aren't using.
When Napoleon was broke, he sold a little part of North America for 50 million francs. When Russia needed some ready cash for Vodka, they sold Alaska for 7 million dollars.
This was a great idea for both countries because they didn't really need those areas. They were too far away to support and were only causing a drain on the local economies.

Right now we are on the verge of another Government shutdown due to fiscal shortcomings. Even after sequestration, we still don't have enough money to run things here in DC.
To me, this sounds like a good time to actually trim some fat and make some cash.

All that was just the set up. Here is the Plan. Sell Detroit to Canada. You read that right. Sell. Detroit. To. Canada.

Think about it. We aren't using it. Detroit's population has been in a steady decline since before Robocop came out. Abandon buildings, closing schools, empty factories... there isn't a large enough population to gain enough tax revenue to fix half of their problems. So here is the plan. We consolidate all the people from Detroit into the surrounding areas and sell the land and the buildings to Canada. Canada gets the last corner of Lake St. Clair, we get a few million in Canadian Dollars (worth more than US) and we plug the leak of a Bankrupt city.
If you had a home in Detroit, we just give you one of the abandoned ones from the towns on the outskirts. It will get more kids into the schools, more workers in the jobs, and more taxes in the city coffers. If you want to stay in Detroit, fine. You are now a Canadian. Enjoy the maple syrup. 
A win-win for everyone.

Of course, Napoleon wasn't too wise with his cash. He used the whole wad to plan an invasion of the United Kingdom that never happened. I am sure the US gov would be much more judicious with the funds. The money would go to good use.

So there it is. We sell Detroit to Canada. Once that takes off, we can set about buying Mexico and flipping it. It has everything a country needs, it just needs a coat of paint, some Starbucks and maybe a Taco Bell or two, then we can sell it back to Mexicans for a profit.

Next time I will tell you about my plan to fence Missouri and rent it out as a prison. Or maybe I will outline my plan for a new HGTV series. "Haitian Restoration"

Update! I spoke with a friend of mine that has worked in the Govt. for about 15 years. He was certain Canada would only buy Detroit if we threw in Cleveland. Cleveland is an amazing place! Sometimes the rivers catch fire! How cool is that?! Burning Rivers. You can catch fish that are precooked! What a time saver.

What sort of lazy bugger...

...is running this show?
The last post was in January? Sheesh. Congress works more often than that!

Okay. that is an outright lie. Congress spends more time in airports than they do passing laws and running the country. 

This whole triple branch Govt. thing keeps anything from getting done.

I heard a little blip on NPR --yes, even jerks like me listen to NPR-- this morning about supporting the rebels in Syria. Since fighting there began, the hawks in congress have been pushing and complaining that Obama hasn't been doing enough to support the rebels. He should set up a no-fly zone. He should supply arms. He should send in troops. He should nuke Iran... Okay, maybe I made that last one up.

Obama gave a little speech a few weeks ago that by using chemical weapons, the Syrians had crossed a line and the US was going to have to step in like a recess monitor on the playground. The US would start shipping small arms and other supplies to the rebels in an effort to stop the fighting. To me, this is like giving knives to salmon so eagles don't catch them.

However, the promised arms have never been sent. Care to guess why? Congress won't approve the distribution of arms. Let me say it again. Congress won't approve it. The people that were clamoring for intervention have been given exactly what they asked for only to start backpedaling dragging their feet.

I am starting to think that the object of Congress is to keep anything from happening in the Government. If the President likes something, they poo-poo it. If the Senate likes something, they poo-poo it. You know what Congress is? Congress is made up of Internet Trolls. Their sole purpose in life is to nay-say and trash talk.
Makes you proud to be an American.  

Brrrr.

Well, it had to happen. Global warming has kicked in and it is finally cold in DC. Is it colder than normal? No. But everyone forgets that it should be cold from December to February so the moment the temp drops below 40 degrees, everyone freaks out and throws a tantrum --Me included.
This morning I was complaining that I didn't have enough covers on the bed and when the alarm went off, I set it for 30 minutes later and jumped back under the warm covers. This time of year I think about renting a dog to sleep in the bed with me to keep it a little warmer. That would make three of us in there and I am sure that would be too many.

So if it is cold in your neighbourhood, I am sorry. Welcome to winter. Be glad your house doesn't look like this.

Stay warm, make yourself a nice cup of tea and pour a healthy dollop of Jamison in there. Trust me, it helps.

Another Brilliant Idea

You all know how I get a bug in my bonnet about problems in the world and how I can fix them. Here is another pair of situations that I think we could combine and eliminate.

You know how we have this giant financial crisis? The Govt. needs to cut spending as well as raise tax income otherwise some mysterious thing will occur that will spell out the end of the world as far as the news media is concerned.

You are also aware of the current problem with nut-jobs going into public places and blowing holes in a bunch of innocent people just because their mommy didn't hug them enough. I won't add pictures because you all know what I am talking about.

I have a plan to bring us back from the brink of extinction, stop nutters from shooting up our schools, and vastly improve the public education system here in 'Merica.

All we need to do is pull our troops out of the countries and wars that are not our business and only serve to piss off the international community because 'Merica pokes it's nose in where it doesn't belong. We bring them ALL back home, and put them on duty in the school system as teachers and tutors.

I am certain that no one would be pulling C's or D's in English if Gunnery Sergeant Ermey was telling students the rules.
"Listen up maggots! It's I before E, except after C! And when I say otherwise! Now drop and give me twenty before I rip your head off and poop down your neckhole!"
Not only would kids not come out of school with no idea how to read or add, they would understand how the real world works and there would be no such thing as child obesity.  Along with super-fit kids that understand the world isn't all hearts and flowers and handed to you on a plate, I dare anyone that isn't driving a tank to attempt an assault on a school full of marines.


Be honest, which one of these guys would you feel safer leaving your kids with?
Just guessing here, but I am thinking I would rather my kids learned math from a guy that had to calculate how far away some insurgents were and the best way to get a howitzer round to hit them than Mr. Wimple who used to work for the IRS. Nothing against the IRS or any other accountants. 

This new plan of mine does a lot of things. It cuts the number of troops we have overseas getting shot at. It protects our kids from nutters that prey on the innocent. It eliminates the child obesity crisis and would give us the greatest generation to come along since ever.
All our kids would respect their elders, understand the value of hard work, be as smart as anything and they would all look like this.

Problem solved. Next up, we get rid of the bullshit gridlock in congress. Look out congress, I am coming for you next! 

Energy independence.

It is the worst time of the year in my opinion. The time that everyone and their dog likes to pretend that they know more than anyone else about the troubles of the world and how they can be fixed.
One of my favorite terms comes up about this time every year (it seems) and that is "Energy Independence".

The concept of this is that America (or your favorite country) can produce enough energy domestically that there is no need to send our precious dollars to another country so we can buy oil. What a great idea. Home grown gasoline burning away in our American made cars.
 However, the idea is a myth and let me tell you why. For the sake of argument, I will change the word 'Oil' with something else. Something easier to understand like 'Chairs'.

Lets say you are a chair maker. You make the most lovely chairs and they are in demand everywhere in the world. When you sell your chairs in your neighborhood, you can get $100 per chair,  but your chairs are so cool, people outside your neighborhood will pay you $200 for your chairs. If you double and triple your output, they will still pay you $200, and people in the next town over will pay you $300! Boom! That is some serious cash per chair. If you can more than double  your profits by selling your chairs out of town, why would you bother to sell your chairs to the locals? They are only willing to pay $100 bucks for one of your chairs because they can buy an imported chair for the same price. The imported chair looks just like your chair and costs less.

Given the option to make $100 per unit or to make $300 per unit, any business person is going to opt for the higher number.

Oddly enough, this is exactly what is happening with oil production in the US. The US is exporting more oil now than they were in the heyday of Texas drilling when Dallas was on TV the first time. Overseas markets are paying much more than domestic markets for US produced oil. The idea that a US based oil firm would give up the extra profit of selling fuel overseas to make less money by selling it in America is laughable. The fact remains that we can buy oil from other countries for less than we are willing to sell oil to ourselves.

That is why America buys foreign oil. Because it is cheaper than producing it locally. Oil men like J. R. Ewing are not going to sell oil to the US gov for less than they can sell it to a foreign gov. They just aren't.

That is my take of energy independence. On to the next rant.

Birthday Month!

If you know me, or have ever met me, you might know that I was born in this here month. That makes me a September baby. Now normally, for the sake of easy math, I celebrate my birthday in January. See, if you were born in 1972 and this year is 2012 it is easy to say, "this year I am 40." But if you don't celebrate your birthday in January, you can't really say that. New year, new year older. That is how I like to play it.

You know who else has a birthday this month? That's right. Subway.

Talk about sharing with a famous person. Who needs Stephen King when you can have a turkey bacon club on your side? I think we ALL know the answer to that one.

I doubt a footlong could have much to contribute to a dinner conversation whereas Steve would (my opinion) be a great person to have round for dinner. Not only is he tall enough to get the bowls off the top shelf, he plays a mean guitar and I am sure he is a good listener.

Just for fun, here is my dinner party guest list for a September birthday party.
Jimmy Fallon, Jerry Bruckheimer, Bill Murry, Will Smith, Joan Jett, Salma Hayek and Jane Curtin. All those people, and me having a birthday dinner. Now I just need to figure out what we are going to have and call Bill. He is the hardest to get a hold of. He never returns calls... 

*insert rant here*

I had a good long internal rant the other morning on the way to work. I was reading some article on teh interwebs and it set me of on a tear. I was mental-ranting the entire walk. Granted, I don't live that far from work but it is about a half mile so that is a good 10 minutes of yelling in my head.

The drawback about having that much of a good rant is that I got it all out of my system. I don't really recall what it was that I was so bitter about. Normally, I can hold onto a topic like a Staffy with a stick. I must be getting soft in my old age. 

Wait wait! I remember what it was. Thank Jay-sus for that. How random would this post be without a topic...

I read an article talking about Utah's law making it a criminal offense to have a miscarriage. I realize that the law past two years ago, but the whole concept is still fucked. You take someone on the worst day of their life and potentially bring in the rozzers to slap the cuffs on them because they were negligent when they slipped in the tub, were over 45 or had Lupus. And if the miscarriage happens in the first trimester, the NHS says it is normally the baby's fault.

I still find it odd that when the Right is passing laws like this, people can still deny that there is a war on women being waged. As a recap, it is illegal to abort a pregnancy in Utah. If you are catholic, it is a sin to prevent a pregnancy, yet welfare and childcare cutbacks make it impossible to feed and care for children. Genius.

So I may be a bit late to the party, but I would like to raise a small voice to the idiots that make laws. THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD THAN THIS.

Is it wrong that I am looking forward to the day that we have no more fish in the ocean, can no longer grow food and have to live off Soylent Green? Maybe then people will stop complaining, but I doubt it.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070723/