Dear Japan.

I grew up in a land-locked state in the country that ran the Whaling game for the longest time. I should either be supportive of it, or indifferent about it, but I am still passionately against it. Odd. I am not really passionate about anything else. I guess we all need a hobby.

I was thinking this morning (in the shower. All the best ideas come to me in the shower) and I have a way that whalers can get a little support and a little less derision. The need to change their tactics. I think the reason the public (and me) gets so upset with the whole Whaling thing is the WAY that you hunt them. Waiting on the surface until they come up for air, then blasting them with an exploding harpoon? Where is the sport in that? You might as well blast them out of the water with a missile.  

Maybe it is living in England, but I have a pretty good sense of Fair Play, and to me, blasting a whale out of the water with a nuke is not very fair. The Whale has no chance at all.  BUT, if you caught them a different way, you might be able to get the public support behind you. It is the brutal method that people are really down on. Minke whales are of the Rorqual family and they eat krill as well as other smaller fish like, herring, cod, and pollock. That means they can be caught on a line like other sport fish. And not that long line crap that they use for Swordfish. I am talking Pole and Line (also known as Bait Boat*) type that they use to catch Tuna. That way you are only getting the stupid whales. 

The boat would go to the Whaling grounds, and toss a bunch of bait out, then wait until the whales are chowing down and start dropping lines over the side to attempt to get one to bite on a hook. I am sure they make a braided line that will hold 8 tons. If not, you will be creating jobs and advancing science. Once you hook into one, a brave fisherman would have to hang on for dear life until it was tired enough to get to the boat, then the whale would be weighed, and measured to make sure it was within the legal limits. Then it could be dispatched, quickly. I am sure you could employ sport fishermen that are tired of catching 1000 lb Swordfish. What is catching a half-ton sword when you could fight an 8 ton Minke Whale on a spinning rig? Even if you were too lazy to hire someone, you could buy a hydraulic system to control the drag and eventually bring the whale to the boat. 

And the best part, once you change over to the new Line-Caught Minke Whales, you could get your own series on the Discovery Channel! They had the Crab guys, and the Sword boat guys, even the Whale Wars guys that are trying to stop you. If you could get the Discovery Channel on board, get Mike Rowe to do the voice-overs, add in some scripted drama about twisted lines, health problems, financial troubles, and the like, you could turn this whole thing around. If anyone could make the public care about Whale Killers it is Mike. 

Be careful though, Minke Whales are a favorite food of my Navy. And if you harm any members of my personal Navy, Army, or Marine Corps, I will take it as an act of war and you should not be surprised when you find a pack of Hyena in your living room when you get home. We know where you live and the family dog works for us.
Speaking of my Military, I have added a new group to the Navy. A Submarine Corp consisting of sperm whales (60 + feet long, Sonar guided and able to dive 3 kilometers below the surface) for the heavy work and Manta Rays for lighter deployment. Okay. I chose the rays just because they look cool swimming in formation. If only I could get one of these...

So Japan, Give me a call. I think I can help sort this Whaling thing out. Until then, I am not buying a Toyota or Honda.

*Fishing Methods

**Thanks for the Pic

The Plan (as I like to call it)

I made it back. Thanks for being patient with me.

Here is the big idea I was speaking about in my last post. Now that I am not working, I have a bit of time on my hands. I figure I will take that time to do something productive, something that will help the world, shape it into a better place, make it a little nicer for the next group coming in. I have been working on this plan for a while now and it is far from finished I am going to train an entire military of animals and with it, take over small parts of the world. I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but that is why I am starting small.

I first got this idea when Tillikum (Tilly to his friends) grabbed his trainer and kind of killed her in Orlando. I thought to myself, this is a whale I could get along with. -- Backing up a little, I might have to tell you how I feel about dolphin for this to make sense. I hate Dolphins. You might be saying "How can you hate Dolphins, they are so cute and smile all the time and happy and friendly..." And that right there, is the reason. NOTHING is that happy all the time. Those suckers are planning something. They are trying to lull us into a false sense of security by saving the odd surfer from a shark bite, or swimming along in front of sail boats. That is all a ploy to get us to trust them. Then they are going to Nuke us. (What, you say they are so smart, Nuclear Physics is beyond them?) Face it, dolphins are just plain creepy*. I don't care what Hayden Panettiere says.

I refuse to trust something that smiles all the time. Like a car salesman, or the mobile phone guy, or Sarah Palin,  it is not going to happen. Polar Bears are cute and fuzzy, they attack people that walk up to them, as do Pandas. Even the cuddly Koala will pee on you if you get too close. I can respect that, but super-happy, smiley-face dolphin are ALWAYS little helpers, always friendly. Which is why I was intrigued when Tilly went off, he also has a record of kicking ass and taking names, which means He is the perfect whale for the job of training my new Navy. A Navy composed of Killer Whales!

The Navy's initial job was to keep the Dolphin in check. Killer Whales are perfect for this role. They eat fish and mammals, including sharks, manta rays and bigger whales. They already have a cool paint job, and they have very tight organizational structures, they live and work in Squads (call them Pods) and can work together to problem solve and attain greater goals. (Hell, the G-8 can't even do that.) They were going to patrol the coast and keep the dolphins from acting too cute and gaining support for their cause. As a side job, they will be tasked with finding the dolphin's underwater WMDs and taking them out of action. Do dolphin have WMDs? There do if I read it on the internet. And as I am writing this and posting it on the internet, it must be true. Same reason we went to Iraq.

That WAS  going to be their job, but now that the Japanese have pushed through an end to the ban on commercial whaling, their mission has changed. They are now tasked with forming a joint operation with the brave men and women of Greenpeace and the Sea Shepherd boat that got rammed in January. They are going to stage an attack on the whaling vessels. They will be assisted by my newly formed Marine Corps .

Packs of Hyena! Riding in on the backs of my Killer Whale Navy. They can be inserted into any situation and quickly sort out any troubles on land. They will be unstoppable! As long as no one on the boat has guns, and as long as they don't fall off the back of the whales, and as long as the whales don't eat them. So there are a few details to work out.

I am still on the lookout for an Army to hold the positions that we take over, but I am at a loss as to who/what I should use.  I read an article about a woman that was killed by a Giraffe today, perhaps that is the way to go.

That is what I am doing to help change the world. I like to think of it as a noble cause. Something that will make the world a better place for the children. Just not dolphin children.

*If you don't think dolphins are just wrong, here is Jennifer Garner's account of being molested by one. You would go to jail for this. Dolphins, not so much.

Notes: Frank Frazetta died the other day, I found the killer whale image above on the 'Unofficial website' and borrowed it for here. He really was a great artist even if you aren't into Sci-Fi Fanboy art. Self taught, no formal schooling. 
I am also aware that the above makes me sound a bit insane as I am planning on training a navy of whales to take over the world. I am getting closer to finding a real job. That should cut my insane rants down a little. Then what will I talk about?  

Just a theory

I had a novel idea this morning -- in the shower. Where all the good ideas start. How much more interesting would the world be if we couldn't use guns to kill animals. And by animals, I mean the kind that have 4 legs or non-opposable thumbs or flippers or wings. We still need the guns to shoot two legged animals. I am not trying to start a gun control fight. Without guns to shoot people, Baltimore wouldn't have a city pass-time. (it is legal to shoot people there) Wars would be no fun at all if we didn't have bigger and better guns than the other side.People might stop having them.

I am talking about not being able to use guns to shoot animals. The impact in the wider world wouldn't be as serious as you might think. We really don't kill anything with guns anymore. Cows? We whack them in the head with a fiberglass rod. Just need to get them to hold their heads still while they are in the chute. Chickens? They are just scooped up and fed through the Pie Machine. I saw Chicken Run, I am sure that is how it works. That leaves us with Pigs. Pigs are processed ...well. I have no idea how pigs are dispatched. Wait. I looked it up on the interwebs*. Pigs walk under a unicorn and are magically turned into delicious Bacon, Ham, Sausages, etc. The unicorn is where they get the wonderful, smokey flavor.

So the only things we kill with guns that we might actually eat are Deer, Birds, and Whales. Then there are the ones that we aren't supposed to kill but still do; Wolves, Elephants, Rhino, Gorillas, etc.
Starting at the top:

• Deer. I would venture that more deer are killed by cars than guns. We should just hunt them with cars. If you have driven down I270 in the fall you know what I am talking about. Looks like a slaughter house. Ugh
• Birds. I don't see the point of shooting something that is the size of your fist that is 80% feathers. 
• Whales. I am anti-whaling on the whole, but shooting something that lives under water when it comes up to take a breath is about as sporting as me running up and punching you in the face, mid poo.
• Wolves. Americans just spent a shed-load of cash to get wolves back into the wilds of Idaho. Everyone rejoiced. Yay! Then they had babies. Now there are more then 100 of them. So Idaho passed a new law that you can shoot them. Huh? We just put them in? Don't try to tell me they eat cows, they eat deer.
• Elephants. Do they do anything to make people angry? They just eat and walk and poop. It isn't their fault they have tusks. Not like they dig up your garden. 
• Rhino. Same as the elephants. One long pointy thing, made out of hair and people want to chop it off and eat it? ugh.
• Gorillas. I could see shooting one if it chucked some poo at you, or if it pulled your arms off. But when they are just sitting in little groups picking bugs out of each others fur? That is like a drive by. You are in your living room, watching TV. Bam! Dead.

I realize I need to pose an alternative otherwise we are going to be overrun by Elephants and Rhino, even thought they can't drive, don't understand the public transport system and only reproduce at about 5% a year. So here is my rough plan.

• Deer: Hit them with all the clunkers that were traded in on the Cash for Clunker program. Or lets go back to spears. Combine your running and throwing skills into hunting. Chase after a deer, throw a sharp stick at it. I would watch that on TV before I would watch golf. 
• Birds: If you have to kill them. (I don't know why you do, they taste rubbish.) Hunt them with other birds. Or just chase after them and scoop them up. Might get rid of some of the fatties in the middle of the country. Even rocky had a hard time catching that chicken. Make it part of your workout.
• Whales: Back to Basics.Use a small boat and a long, sharp stick. How many "brave whalers" do you think there would be if they had to sit right on top of a 30 foot long, 10 ton whale that was pissed off because you just poked it with a stick? That or you should have to go after them. Take the fight under water, don't wait until they are trying to breathe. Whalers should be punched while pooping, see how they like it.

As for the ones that we kill just for fun,? Yeah, there is no excuse for that. I can get behind the Somali Pirates shooting up boats because they are starving easier than I can get behind shooting an animal, loping off one part of it, then leaving the rest. Nobody thought it was funny when the Natives scalped the whites, or when the US soldiers took the ears off the Viet Cong. As a punishment for poaching, poachers should be caught, a part of them should be removed, then they should be let go. I am not thinking of their appendix or their tonsils either.

As for the hunters that will cry. If you are a sportsman, figure out a sporting way to hunt. As a fisherman, I have to trick the fish into biting a lure, then get him into the boat, where I take his picture and let him go. I don't drop dynamite into the water. Maybe running after a deer and slapping him on the ass isn't the same, but how fair is it to sit in a tree until one walks under you and then blast him from 100 yards with a scope. Get off your ass and work for it. Or use the Buick. OR! If we are so damn smart, why don't we try training others to do the work for us. 
And if someone can train an Orca (Killer Whale) for me, that will eat Dolphins. I will be eternally grateful. Dolphins creep me out.


* the site I found about where bacon comes from might be suspect. Please don't burst my bubble. I like my magic version of how pigs become wonderful bacon.