New Idea For Detroit

I know I advocated selling it to Canada (and I still think that is a viable choice) but if America is that reluctant to reduce our surface area, perhaps this would work better.

The Mayor of Detroit needs to bum a ride to Hollywood and sit down with the heads of all the film studios. He should offer up the city as a full movie set. I know a lot of films have been set in the city. Beverly Hills Cop was set in Detroit, Grosse Point Blank... Sparkle. I am sure there were others. But why are more films set in Canada than Detroit when Detroit has WAY more to offer. What does it have to offer you may ask? In Detroit the film studios would be allowed to blow up buildings for real!

The Mayor already put forth a plan to bulldoze abandoned buildings and hopefully concentrate the population into denser areas. What makes more sense, to pay for the buildings to be knocked down or to let someone pay YOU to knock them down? I am going to go with option B.

According to demolitionconnection.com the cost of taking down a 10,000 square foot warehouse is between $4.00 and $8.00 per square foot. So clearing out a crack den warehouse could cost you $80,000.00 or you could charge Michael Bay half a million to do this to it.

As long as part of the contract included having a grip or a Best Boy come behind everyone with a broom, the whole city could be turned into a mildly-polluted-with-thermite national park within a year. Sprinkle some Scott's turf builder around and Detroit can go from this.

Before Michael Bay

After Michael Bay and some turf builder.

Tell me you wouldn't rather see Detroit as a happy, grass-covered city with trees where once stood crack dens.

Just a thought, Mr. Mayor. You can call me to ask for more details. I am sure together we can get your city back on track. 

You're Fired

Sorry, Congress. In my opinion, you have failed to preform at your chosen field of employment now for the last 3 years. When it comes time for your "contract" to be renewed, we the people of the United States are going to opt out.

Please don't attempt to point fingers and lay blame. It is way too late for that. Your job, as we see it, is to work with your colleagues to facilitate the running of our country. That is what we hired you for and that is what we expect you to do when we buy your plane ticket to Washington and put you in a pretty little office with a staff and an expense account.
We do not expect you to throw your toys out of the pram every time a law comes your way you don't like. We do not expect you to go on a 21 hour rant about nothing just so you can get on TV for your 15 minutes of fame.

In closing, you were sent to D.C. to do a job.  You have all refused to do your job and for that reason, we have to fire you. 

I encourage anyone between the ages of 18 and 1000 to write a letter to their congressional representative and remind them of what their job is. Then, walk to the polls next month at the mid-term elections and vote for anyone who isn't currently in office. Clear the books and let's start anew. 

Dear America (Updated)

I have an idea and I think you should hear me out. This isn't one of my new plans like training a Killer Whale Army or using expired Grandparents to make oil. This is an old plan that has been tested time and again and works wonders. However, the U.S. has never been on this side of the table and therefore will be reluctant to play along. That is where I need your help.
The Plan: Historically, when governments find themselves strapped for cash, they have two options. Option A, start a war with your neighbours.
Option B, sell something you aren't using.

As we have been at war since 1990 and not made any money from it, I am proposing we switch to Option B. There is only one drawback with Option B. America doesn't make anything we can sell that isn't already being sold. We could sell Buicks or Jeeps but when you can get a KIA for less money and a longer warranty, the Jeep doesn't sound as nice.

So we are going to have to sell something else. Something we aren't using.
When Napoleon was broke, he sold a little part of North America for 50 million francs. When Russia needed some ready cash for Vodka, they sold Alaska for 7 million dollars.
This was a great idea for both countries because they didn't really need those areas. They were too far away to support and were only causing a drain on the local economies.

Right now we are on the verge of another Government shutdown due to fiscal shortcomings. Even after sequestration, we still don't have enough money to run things here in DC.
To me, this sounds like a good time to actually trim some fat and make some cash.

All that was just the set up. Here is the Plan. Sell Detroit to Canada. You read that right. Sell. Detroit. To. Canada.

Think about it. We aren't using it. Detroit's population has been in a steady decline since before Robocop came out. Abandon buildings, closing schools, empty factories... there isn't a large enough population to gain enough tax revenue to fix half of their problems. So here is the plan. We consolidate all the people from Detroit into the surrounding areas and sell the land and the buildings to Canada. Canada gets the last corner of Lake St. Clair, we get a few million in Canadian Dollars (worth more than US) and we plug the leak of a Bankrupt city.
If you had a home in Detroit, we just give you one of the abandoned ones from the towns on the outskirts. It will get more kids into the schools, more workers in the jobs, and more taxes in the city coffers. If you want to stay in Detroit, fine. You are now a Canadian. Enjoy the maple syrup. 
A win-win for everyone.

Of course, Napoleon wasn't too wise with his cash. He used the whole wad to plan an invasion of the United Kingdom that never happened. I am sure the US gov would be much more judicious with the funds. The money would go to good use.

So there it is. We sell Detroit to Canada. Once that takes off, we can set about buying Mexico and flipping it. It has everything a country needs, it just needs a coat of paint, some Starbucks and maybe a Taco Bell or two, then we can sell it back to Mexicans for a profit.

Next time I will tell you about my plan to fence Missouri and rent it out as a prison. Or maybe I will outline my plan for a new HGTV series. "Haitian Restoration"

Update! I spoke with a friend of mine that has worked in the Govt. for about 15 years. He was certain Canada would only buy Detroit if we threw in Cleveland. Cleveland is an amazing place! Sometimes the rivers catch fire! How cool is that?! Burning Rivers. You can catch fish that are precooked! What a time saver.

What sort of lazy bugger...

...is running this show?
The last post was in January? Sheesh. Congress works more often than that!

Okay. that is an outright lie. Congress spends more time in airports than they do passing laws and running the country. 

This whole triple branch Govt. thing keeps anything from getting done.

I heard a little blip on NPR --yes, even jerks like me listen to NPR-- this morning about supporting the rebels in Syria. Since fighting there began, the hawks in congress have been pushing and complaining that Obama hasn't been doing enough to support the rebels. He should set up a no-fly zone. He should supply arms. He should send in troops. He should nuke Iran... Okay, maybe I made that last one up.

Obama gave a little speech a few weeks ago that by using chemical weapons, the Syrians had crossed a line and the US was going to have to step in like a recess monitor on the playground. The US would start shipping small arms and other supplies to the rebels in an effort to stop the fighting. To me, this is like giving knives to salmon so eagles don't catch them.

However, the promised arms have never been sent. Care to guess why? Congress won't approve the distribution of arms. Let me say it again. Congress won't approve it. The people that were clamoring for intervention have been given exactly what they asked for only to start backpedaling dragging their feet.

I am starting to think that the object of Congress is to keep anything from happening in the Government. If the President likes something, they poo-poo it. If the Senate likes something, they poo-poo it. You know what Congress is? Congress is made up of Internet Trolls. Their sole purpose in life is to nay-say and trash talk.
Makes you proud to be an American.  

Brrrr.

Well, it had to happen. Global warming has kicked in and it is finally cold in DC. Is it colder than normal? No. But everyone forgets that it should be cold from December to February so the moment the temp drops below 40 degrees, everyone freaks out and throws a tantrum --Me included.
This morning I was complaining that I didn't have enough covers on the bed and when the alarm went off, I set it for 30 minutes later and jumped back under the warm covers. This time of year I think about renting a dog to sleep in the bed with me to keep it a little warmer. That would make three of us in there and I am sure that would be too many.

So if it is cold in your neighbourhood, I am sorry. Welcome to winter. Be glad your house doesn't look like this.

Stay warm, make yourself a nice cup of tea and pour a healthy dollop of Jamison in there. Trust me, it helps.

Another Brilliant Idea

You all know how I get a bug in my bonnet about problems in the world and how I can fix them. Here is another pair of situations that I think we could combine and eliminate.

You know how we have this giant financial crisis? The Govt. needs to cut spending as well as raise tax income otherwise some mysterious thing will occur that will spell out the end of the world as far as the news media is concerned.

You are also aware of the current problem with nut-jobs going into public places and blowing holes in a bunch of innocent people just because their mommy didn't hug them enough. I won't add pictures because you all know what I am talking about.

I have a plan to bring us back from the brink of extinction, stop nutters from shooting up our schools, and vastly improve the public education system here in 'Merica.

All we need to do is pull our troops out of the countries and wars that are not our business and only serve to piss off the international community because 'Merica pokes it's nose in where it doesn't belong. We bring them ALL back home, and put them on duty in the school system as teachers and tutors.

I am certain that no one would be pulling C's or D's in English if Gunnery Sergeant Ermey was telling students the rules.
"Listen up maggots! It's I before E, except after C! And when I say otherwise! Now drop and give me twenty before I rip your head off and poop down your neckhole!"
Not only would kids not come out of school with no idea how to read or add, they would understand how the real world works and there would be no such thing as child obesity.  Along with super-fit kids that understand the world isn't all hearts and flowers and handed to you on a plate, I dare anyone that isn't driving a tank to attempt an assault on a school full of marines.


Be honest, which one of these guys would you feel safer leaving your kids with?
Just guessing here, but I am thinking I would rather my kids learned math from a guy that had to calculate how far away some insurgents were and the best way to get a howitzer round to hit them than Mr. Wimple who used to work for the IRS. Nothing against the IRS or any other accountants. 

This new plan of mine does a lot of things. It cuts the number of troops we have overseas getting shot at. It protects our kids from nutters that prey on the innocent. It eliminates the child obesity crisis and would give us the greatest generation to come along since ever.
All our kids would respect their elders, understand the value of hard work, be as smart as anything and they would all look like this.

Problem solved. Next up, we get rid of the bullshit gridlock in congress. Look out congress, I am coming for you next! 

Energy independence.

It is the worst time of the year in my opinion. The time that everyone and their dog likes to pretend that they know more than anyone else about the troubles of the world and how they can be fixed.
One of my favorite terms comes up about this time every year (it seems) and that is "Energy Independence".

The concept of this is that America (or your favorite country) can produce enough energy domestically that there is no need to send our precious dollars to another country so we can buy oil. What a great idea. Home grown gasoline burning away in our American made cars.
 However, the idea is a myth and let me tell you why. For the sake of argument, I will change the word 'Oil' with something else. Something easier to understand like 'Chairs'.

Lets say you are a chair maker. You make the most lovely chairs and they are in demand everywhere in the world. When you sell your chairs in your neighborhood, you can get $100 per chair,  but your chairs are so cool, people outside your neighborhood will pay you $200 for your chairs. If you double and triple your output, they will still pay you $200, and people in the next town over will pay you $300! Boom! That is some serious cash per chair. If you can more than double  your profits by selling your chairs out of town, why would you bother to sell your chairs to the locals? They are only willing to pay $100 bucks for one of your chairs because they can buy an imported chair for the same price. The imported chair looks just like your chair and costs less.

Given the option to make $100 per unit or to make $300 per unit, any business person is going to opt for the higher number.

Oddly enough, this is exactly what is happening with oil production in the US. The US is exporting more oil now than they were in the heyday of Texas drilling when Dallas was on TV the first time. Overseas markets are paying much more than domestic markets for US produced oil. The idea that a US based oil firm would give up the extra profit of selling fuel overseas to make less money by selling it in America is laughable. The fact remains that we can buy oil from other countries for less than we are willing to sell oil to ourselves.

That is why America buys foreign oil. Because it is cheaper than producing it locally. Oil men like J. R. Ewing are not going to sell oil to the US gov for less than they can sell it to a foreign gov. They just aren't.

That is my take of energy independence. On to the next rant.

Birthday Month!

If you know me, or have ever met me, you might know that I was born in this here month. That makes me a September baby. Now normally, for the sake of easy math, I celebrate my birthday in January. See, if you were born in 1972 and this year is 2012 it is easy to say, "this year I am 40." But if you don't celebrate your birthday in January, you can't really say that. New year, new year older. That is how I like to play it.

You know who else has a birthday this month? That's right. Subway.

Talk about sharing with a famous person. Who needs Stephen King when you can have a turkey bacon club on your side? I think we ALL know the answer to that one.

I doubt a footlong could have much to contribute to a dinner conversation whereas Steve would (my opinion) be a great person to have round for dinner. Not only is he tall enough to get the bowls off the top shelf, he plays a mean guitar and I am sure he is a good listener.

Just for fun, here is my dinner party guest list for a September birthday party.
Jimmy Fallon, Jerry Bruckheimer, Bill Murry, Will Smith, Joan Jett, Salma Hayek and Jane Curtin. All those people, and me having a birthday dinner. Now I just need to figure out what we are going to have and call Bill. He is the hardest to get a hold of. He never returns calls... 

*insert rant here*

I had a good long internal rant the other morning on the way to work. I was reading some article on teh interwebs and it set me of on a tear. I was mental-ranting the entire walk. Granted, I don't live that far from work but it is about a half mile so that is a good 10 minutes of yelling in my head.

The drawback about having that much of a good rant is that I got it all out of my system. I don't really recall what it was that I was so bitter about. Normally, I can hold onto a topic like a Staffy with a stick. I must be getting soft in my old age. 

Wait wait! I remember what it was. Thank Jay-sus for that. How random would this post be without a topic...

I read an article talking about Utah's law making it a criminal offense to have a miscarriage. I realize that the law past two years ago, but the whole concept is still fucked. You take someone on the worst day of their life and potentially bring in the rozzers to slap the cuffs on them because they were negligent when they slipped in the tub, were over 45 or had Lupus. And if the miscarriage happens in the first trimester, the NHS says it is normally the baby's fault.

I still find it odd that when the Right is passing laws like this, people can still deny that there is a war on women being waged. As a recap, it is illegal to abort a pregnancy in Utah. If you are catholic, it is a sin to prevent a pregnancy, yet welfare and childcare cutbacks make it impossible to feed and care for children. Genius.

So I may be a bit late to the party, but I would like to raise a small voice to the idiots that make laws. THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD THAN THIS.

Is it wrong that I am looking forward to the day that we have no more fish in the ocean, can no longer grow food and have to live off Soylent Green? Maybe then people will stop complaining, but I doubt it.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070723/

Rock star bingo part 2

As you may remember, I have been playing Rock Star Bingo. So far on my card I have ticked, Eric Clapton, Ronnie Woods and Jimmie Page. I am not sure if I have to start a new card to include bass players, but my latest chip now covers Canadian bass player and lead singer of Rush, Geddy Lee.

Walking over to drop my dry cleaning the other morning, I saw him exiting a shop with his wife. You may be thinking, "How do you know it was Geddy Lee? He is a Canadian and why would he be in London. Also, what the heck does he even look like?"
Ha!
That is exactly why I know it was him. There is only a handful of people on the planet that look like this when they go out of the house. If your normal look consists of dark glasses and funny soul patch thing, There isn't much you can do other than cut your hair and wear contacts to go incognito. As he had not done that, I am certain that I have a new square on my board covered.  And I imagine he came to London for the lovely traffic and weather because he grew tired of the sunshine and open spaces of Canada.

Potentially, I could add Felix Bechtolsheimer to the list, but I am certain no one know who he is. Unless of course you are a fan of Hey Negrita. Felix is the singer and plays rhythm guitar for the country blues combo. I saw him on Kings Road as well.
That place is like a magnet for rocky folks.

PS. Can Hey Negrita put out a new album? I know you would sell at least 2 copies. Maybe you guys could just come over and jam. I can play most open chords. Aside from F. I hate F.

Drought!

Today I read on the Beeb about the coming drought crisis and how no one will be able to water their plants, take baths or even flush the loo without some serious changes to how we collect rainwater in the south. There is even talk about running a pipeline from the Severn over to the Thames to get some of that fine Welsh water.

I don't want to sound like a jerk -- that is a mild lie. I am a total jerk. -- but where I live in Chelsea there are at least two spots that look like this on my way to work.

 

Okay, they aren't that bad, there are two distinct spots near South Kensington that spew hundreds of liters of water a day. I know the council is aware of the leaks, because they were considerate enough to grit all around them when it was cold. 

Perhaps they are keeping this fresh running water available to the homeless population. That is a very kind thing of the RBKC. Or maybe they are trying to keep the levels of the Thames up by dumping water from the main right into the drains. In one of the cases, on Brompton road, the water comes right out of a mains access, runs about two meters down the gutter, then flows right into a drain. It has been going on now for about 3 months. 

I wonder if I could get Boris to come down with a couple of buckets and save some of the water that is running down the drain. I hear he is a hands on type of guy... Boris? You out there? You want to come save some of this Chelsea Water? 

Something for the weekend

I know it has been a small Donkey Age since I last posted. I apologize. I could cry that I was in school, then I was looking for a job, then I was doing an internship... But that is just life. It was me. It was all me. I was the lazy, slack-jawed monkey spending my free time watching QI rather than doing any sort of work.

 

I did go so far as starting a new blog that is dedicated to the world of design and showcasing some of the interesting things that come across my desk. I know I mentioned that I would convert this blog to that purpose, but then I realized it would be hard for me to rant about the state of fat people on the escalator or savages that feel it is their duty to throw their litter on the ground rather than in a bin. 

I have effectively doubled my workload. Maybe not the smartest thing, but that is me. 

So if you would all be kind enough to follow me over to the new blog, you can all have a read about some of the stuff I get up to in the design world. This will remain a refuge for ridiculous ideas, silly concepts and social commentary.

Until next posting, I will be burning penguins to keep warm here in London.

Stumbled on this great floor

How amazing is this?

In case you can't see what is so amazing about it, it is a timber flooring that doesn't have straight lines. The edges of the floor boards are left in a natural state to give a more natural effect to your design. Because --as they say on the site-- Life is not a straight line.

I warned that things would get a little more design related here at Tea and Whiskey, well this is one of those times.
The company that puts out this amazing flooring is called Bolefloor. I could rattle on about all the technical reasons they have started this, but I am sure it is just as simple to add a link at the end so you can go check it out yourself.

Before you get too excited and click on the link, lets look at one more picture of this stuff.

Okay, off you go, click the link and go check out this awesome flooring.
If you need anyone to give advice on how you can work this into your home, give us a shout, we are happy to chat.

The link

Rock Star Bingo

I have just invented a new game. It shall be called, Risk. What? Risk is taken? Crap.  Maybe I will call it, "Keep a little card of rock stars and when you see one, put a small tick next to their face." Too long?

How about, Rock Star Bingo?

Please allow me to give you the back story that spawned this game.
The other day -I say the other day, but it was probably last year- I was walking down the Kings Road when I saw a gray-haired man with a weak chin reading the newspaper at a table in a noodle bar. He looked a lot like Eric Clapton.
He looked like Eric Clapton because he was Eric Clapton. Reading a paper and waiting for some noodle-based lunch. 

When that happened, I thought to myself, I really like living here because I see things like this from time to time.

Then, a few weeks later, I was passing a book shop near World's End (Okay, it was the World's End Bookshop) and there was another gray-haired man looking in the window.  This one had a small pony tail and was wearing a green army coat. He spun around as the person in front of me tapped him on the shoulder, so I got a good look right in his face as I was trying to get past them on the street. This guy looked a lot like Jimmy Page.

That is because it was Jimmy Page. Tada! I sent a note to my friend Harvey and he mildly trumped me by stopping to offer water to a tired looking Christopher Lee (Dracula, Willy Wonka's Dad, Bond Villain, That guy from Lord of the Rings,  etc) on a hot day. But this isn't about Movie Icons, this is about Rock Star Bingo!

What more could I possible want? Two Guitar Heroes in the same stretch of road? Amazing. I thought that was the end of it until last night.

I was running home from my Pilates class (Pause here so you can all get a good laugh in) when I saw a lovely young lady walking toward me followed by a shortish wrinkly man with wild hair and a pretty big nose, he was walking a half-step behind her and I looked them both full in the face as I went by. I don't run that fast so I had a good couple seconds to stare. This time, I was on Fulham road near the Michelin Building. Not on Kings, so I was off my guard. Yet there they were, Ronnie Wood and His girlfriend wandering down the road.

There it is, my trifecta of Rock stars, to date. I was looking at my Rock star Bingo Card and trying to see where I need to go to get my last two spaces. I am missing Paul McCartney and Pete Townshend in the "G" line still. I doubt I am going to run into Sir Paul in my hood, and I think Pete might be a tough one to bump into... This might be the end of my "G" line.
Oh well, I still got to see three of my guitar heroes just living a normal life. I like that. I would hate them to be mobbed by loonies. They deserve a normal life. Let the loonies mob Katie Price. I can't stand that fake, plastic woman... And yes, I have met her.
 
I am kind of glad that the other two names on my card might be impossible to get. If I fill my Bingo Card, I might have to go back to America to try and get another one... That would be sad.

A year!

Last time I posted was in 2010?
That has to be a joke. Maybe not. I do feel a bit like Rip Van Winkle. I just handed in my last project on a VERY INTENSE interior design course at KLC School of Design. That would be in London at the Chelsea Harbour.
Three years worth of schooling packed in to a year. A prison year really as it was only 9 months.

All that being said, you should all now be warned that I am probably going to lean this blog a little to the interiors side and maybe not so much ranting about whales and turning grandmas into oil.
Oh, who am I trying to kid, I am still going to rant.

Thank you, Charles Saatchi. Tell your wife hello.

In fact, lets talk about my least favorite thing at the moment.

Tourists.

You can tell it is summer in the rest of the world when London fills up with tourists. It doesn't get warm here, so that is our only indicator.
I am fine that tourists want to come visit my (adopted) city, if enough of you do, maybe you can plug the hole in our economy, but I have one request. A simple thing really. Not too much to ask when you think about it.
Can you PLEASE. Pretty-please, with sugar on top, WALK IN A STRAIGHT FUCKING LINE!!

I don't know if it is all the bags you are packing, or the electronica around your neck that throws your internal compass out of kilter, but you wobble down the street like a drunken sailor still getting his land legs back. And, because you have two rucksacks, four shopping bags, an umbrella, two cameras and a bin bag pulled over your head, it is impossible to navigate around you without stepping into traffic. 

Mmm...Trashy.

So a shorty today. Just a small update. I am headed to a riveting lecture about something Amazing and Fabulous today. (see how well practiced I am with the design words?)


Oh, I am working on a portfolio website as well, I will link things up here shortly and post some pics from the final project. I think it came out well. I will be available for consultation soon. Feel free to contact me.

Update: And another thing! -this is sounding like a drunken rant now- You starbucks nut-jobs... "I want a Americano with an extra shot, pouring cream on the side, fill the water only up to here, then I need one splenda and half of a sugar. Thanks"
UGH!
Order a filter coffer and put whole milk in it. Twat. Oh, she was American as well. Sad day to be on the team...

Back from a Dino De Laurentiis film.

Did you know he passed away? Do you even know who he is?

Here he is with his lovely granddaughter Giada. He was 91 and had made 500 films in his career. please allow me to name a few of my favorites. In no real order.
Army of Darkness
Barbarella
Conan the Barbarian
Flash Gordon

Seeing a trend here? Yes. They are all amazing films. Especially that last one.
"Flying blind on a rocket cycle?" Ah, Brian Blessed. Such a personality.

Anyway. God save you Dino De Laurentiis. You gave us many a great thing including your granddaughter. Wow. What a package she is... lovely, can cook like crazy, and probably watched over by a legion of Hawkmen.

But like I was saying, I just returned from a holiday where the sky looked just like a Laurentiis sky.
I was in the Maldives and it being December, they were having splotchy weather. It may have been splotchy, but it was 100 times better than London's freeze and riot combo that was going on here.
I think Dara O'Briain is right. The English are a much more angry and fight prone people than the Irish. They riot and rumble at the drop of a hat. "You want to do what?! Pay teachers a decent wage?! and cover the fees of running an institution of higher education? And you want STUDENTS to pay for it?! Take to the streets! We are setting some fires!"
You dumb shites. Pay for your school like everyone else does. And if you can't afford to go to school, go into a trade and learn how to build something for Christ's sake. This country doesn't make anything anymore. Neither does America it is beneath them.

Anyway. Off on a tangent. I was in the Maldives, and the sky looked like this. I thought it was very cool and I was waiting for an army of Hawkmen to come out of the clouds with Brian Blessed screaming out " Second Wave, Dive! " While lasers shoot all around and Brian May plays some futuristic licks on the guitar.

Sadly, that was not what happened, but it was still an enjoyable holiday even without Ming or any of the residents of Mongo.
Happy Christmas all.

I'm not dead

I feel a bit like it, but I am not.

I have been working on a project (project number 2 actually) for the Interior Design course I am on.

Project two was a living room, a bathroom and a kitchen for a house here in London. I present the stuff I cobbled together tomorrow (that would be thursday to those not sitting here in the room with me) at 15:40 if anyone wants to come see the show. I doubt it will be that exciting, so feel free to stay home tucked in your beds.

In other news, London is in the grips of an Arctic blast. Those of you that think Climate change is a joke should come to my flat and sit by the door for an hour. Given that London has a mild climate all year round, no one saw fit to put any sort weather stripping or insulation in the old Victorian Brick homes. The 50 mph, arctic winds are whipping through my flat like it was made of tissue paper. I think I am going to go out today and buy a roll of weather stripping of the door into the lift. I have a draught excluder excluding the draughts from under the door, but they are still coming in around the edges.

So just to recap, I am alive. I am cold and I am working hard on my schooling. With any luck, I will be back to posting once I get caught up with all my school work. Or, I will have a real job and not be able to post because I am busy making money.

I heard somewhere that it was all about the Benjamins. What making a living and being happy has to do with the captain of the Mary Celeste, I will never figure out. But, if that is what the kids are saying, then it must be true. It has to be true, right? I read it on the interwebs.

Dear America,

Grow up.

I was reading this morning on the BBC that America is minting more $1 Dollar Coins even though the American public is resistant to them. In my typical fashion, I have a way to get Americans to suck it up and start using the new dollar coins that are cheeper to produce, last way longer and just look cooler than dollar bills.

Step one. Issue a press release saying that dollar bills (the paper ones) will be no longer be accepted as real money. You can change them at your local bank for coins for the next few months, but starting on X date, they are no longer considered money. And before you get your pants in a wad, it happens here every so often when they change the notes. I found an old 20 the other day and swapped it at the bank for a proper one.

Step two. Follow through with it. Not like that dumb-ass "switch to digital" thing that cable was supposed to do. Actually stop taking the money. Full Stop.

The article quotes US Mint Director Edmund Moy saying, "We have tried every major idea that we can come up with, with limited success." Really? Have you tried telling people that dollar bills are no long going to be accepted? I didn't think so. The article goes on to say that legislation halting the use of paper dollar bills or halting the minting of the coins would not likely pass given the partisan condition of congress at the moment, and to that I say "America! Grow UP!"

Good hell, if most of the countries in the G8 (of which you are a member) have stopped circulating paper singles due to their short lifespan (just a few years versus four decades for a coin) what makes you so good that you have to keep them? Is it the massive strength of the American Economy? Is it just because America is so cool? Is it because we have Sarah Palin and she is looking out for us and representing america? If America would switch to the coin from the paper, it would save between 500 and 700 million dollars a year. That is enough to put a dent in the health care coverage cost, or if you prefer blowing shit up, buy a few new planes and maybe a tank* or two.

I will admit. There might be a potential side effect from switching to the dollar coin from the dollar bill. Someone is going to have to retro-fit all the vending machines that so many school-children get their lunch from every day. Plumbers are going to have to buy belts to hold their trousers up from the extra pocket weight. But you know what I call that? Job Creation! Sorting the vending machines out alone should knock a percent point off the unemployment rate. There are factories in Detroit just housing crack addicts, lets put them to good use! 

In closing, President Obama, Congress, and Americans at large, here is a small ladder. Please step down off of your high horse, and join the rest of the world in coinage use. Use the money you save to fund a school, or feed children, or buy Haiti, (I bet property rates there are low) or tanks, guns, bombs and bullets to take over Mexico and end the immigration dispute. I don't care what you do with it but it kills me to hear you argue about the cost of something America needs (schools, police, health care) when you are pissing away money on something you don't (dolla, dolla bills, y'all).

And while we are on the subject of growing up, can you please learn to use your Inside Voice when you are inside? If not I am going to give you a time out and you are all going to have to sit on your bed for the next ten years and think about what you have done. 

*That isn't really a tank. It is a Self-propelled artillery vehicle capable of launching 155 mm rounds 42 kilometers downrange, at a rate of 10 a minute. That means it can blow your house up from two towns away then start in on the surrounding neighborhood just for practice. Mexico, we are coming for you. 

The nice man at Apple.

Say what  you will about the Evil Apple Empire. They may throw little Chinese men that loose the secret new products out upper story windows, they might call you all idiots for holding your phone wrong, and they may come out with a brand-new, must-have product the day after you bought the old one, but they are good with the customer service.

I went into the Apple store on Regent street today and was gobsmacked by the horde of people standing in queue waiting to buy something. I got ready to be pissed off and angry at the first people I spoke to -- this stems from the fact that I was 8 minutes late to my appointment at the Genius bar because tourists don't understand what to do in London when it rains. Did you not buy the guide book? It rains here. Often. Be prepared. Sheesh! Anyway, late to my appointment, went to the wrong genius bar (because  there are two now) but the nice lady let me into  the queue anyway. Woo Hoo!

I was promptly collected from the queue by a nice man named Nick, but not before I sent off a quick pic to my little brother. (He too is an Apple Genius and works in Phoenix.*) I knew that this nice man's name was Nick because the Appleites wear little tags around their necks. Nick asked me what the problem was and I explained that the vibrate feature on my iphone has started thinking it is 1990 and it should sound like this 'WAAAAAHHH!' Instead of the nice 'Bzzzzt' that I was used to. With it wailing like that, I can't say I didn't hear it when people call me and I can't be bothered to answer. Nick looked at my phone, listened to the noise a couple times then asked me if it was okay if he gave me a new one. 

UH... Okay. If you have to give me a brand new one, I guess I can deal with that. He grabbed a new one out of the back. Swapped my SIM and asked if I was going straight home? Otherwise he would have tried to collect my data from the old phone and pass it on to the new one... As it was Stupid-Busy in the store, I said I would just go home. I signed to say I had collected the new pieces and was on my way. But not before Nick very patiently explained how I would get all my old info back onto the phone. What a trooper. 


I was so impressed with the staff at the store, that I started looking around at iphone cases. This was a bad idea as I was elbowed aside by four different people trying to be in the same spot I was standing. Given the crowd at the ipod/iphone case area, I thought I would walk over and look at the bags for my Mac Book Pro.  Somehow, the assish customers followed me to this, the least popular section of the store and again attempted to stand in my back pockets while I looked at laptop sleeves. Obviously, this is not the time or place to attempt to purchase anything, so I crowed back down the stairs to gawp at the queue waiting to pay. On the way out the door, I think I figured out what all the people were doing there. 


London is plagued blessed with a load of tourists right now. It is so bad in my area, that you can't walk down the streets at night from the mass of bodies toking up at the hookah cafes on my street and the council is so fed up that it has started clamping cars outside Harrods. What do those drivers think? That they own the place or something?  We have rules in this country and the number one rule is "No aviators in my neighborhood. Especially after dark." Personally, I think they clamped the cars because they are painted such a hideous color. I don't care if it is the livery of the Royal Family. Toothpaste Blue is not a color for a supercar. 




* Notes: Thank you Apple. Please don't shut off my accounts because I said you tossed an Asian out the window. 
If anyone is curious about my little brother and his new baby (that would be my Niece) you can track the progress of her little, cue-ball head on her own blog. She updates about half as much as I do but, to be fair, she can't really read or write and she just got teeth. But I am sure she will be driving next week. Ask her mom.  

Not Ranting Today

Okay, It has come to my attention that I have been on a bit of a tear and done nothing except rip into people, places and or things. I apologize for that. Not so much for the rants, that is kind of what I do, but for the monotony of non-stop ranting.

On to happier things. The nice men at BP have finally plugged the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. I think they finally got it stopped by doing what should have been done in the first place. Putting a new cap thing on the leaky bit. If there was ever any proof  that the company was run by men, this was it. Their approach to the leak was that of any man faced with the prospect of home improvement, no directions needed, We got this. 

I imagine all the engineers were sitting at one of their houses smoking and drinking beers with "fixes" sketched on napkins when one of their wives walked by and said, "Why don't you just go over to the B&Q (That would be Home Depot in the States) and buy a new one?" One week later, the problem is solved.
What the BP guys really should have done was called Norm Abram. He would have knocked together a new cap for them out of New England Ash with a decorative, Hickory inlay held together with some Epoxy to waterproof the wood. He loves that stuff.

I was thinking about all the oil we lost and it came to me that we aren't making any more of this stuff are we? We are pretty sure what  oil is made of right? It used to be carbon-based life forms. Dinosaurs, Plants and the like, that have been buried for a few million years and have turned into crude oil that we then refine and burn. We are taking from the source, but not putting back. Personally, I think it is high time we did, and of course I have a plan.

First we will need an empty oil well. Texas is full of these and no one is using them for anything right now. Then we will need a lot of carbon-based life forms. Namely, dead people. We will then drop the dead people down these empty oil wells, cap them off and leave a note for future generations to "Dig Here". Simple as that.

You might think that dumping dead people down a big open hole is a bad idea or callous or some other bullshit. It isn't. It is the same thing a million of you choose to do right now. I am just asking you to do it in one location and to leave out the addition of the toxic cocktail. Currently, we like to fill our dearly departed with a mix of Formaldehyde, Methanol and Ethanol to keep them fresh and shiny for all eternity. The US alone buries approx. 20 million liters of the stuff a year. That really can't be good for the environment as Formaldehyde is a Class 1 Carcinogen.

My solution eliminates the toxic burritos left all over the world, cuts carbon emissions and gives back to future generations. What could be wrong with that? Or sure, Aunt Sally won't have any where to go cry on Memorial Day. What is the difference of going to cry over a rock and going to cry over a rock that sits on top of a box that holds another box filled with toxic sludge?    

I have included my proposed idea with a wonderful graphic. Think of it as giving something back. Grandma would want it that way.